Can I just say that guys stress me out!!
The past little while I've realized how absolutely terrified of relationships I am- I am petrified of being in a relationship with a guy. There is this guy who pretty much just popped up into my life recently, and while I'm enjoying getting to know him, and he is very sweet, I get hit with these anxieties every now and then. Today is one of those moments.
I've felt like I am opening up to him, getting a little more comfortable, especially since most of our communication has been through text. But then today, BAM! I get hit with this fear; a fear of him, a fear of not really knowing what's going on, a fear that I'm screwing something up, what I don't know. I fear the idea of being with someone, being attached to someone. I've never learned how to be a part of someone else's life. I mean I've made friends with others, but it never lasted long, and the friendships remained more on the surface, only recently have I begun to make a few friends that I am pretty close with. Mostly in my life it's been just me (aside from my family, though there are some family members I've never entirely gotten that close with). Basically all I've had to worry about is me- I mean I care about others, and I've tried to help people and all, I enjoy that, but I have not really had to worry worry about someone else. As much as I have craved contact with others, I am very terrified of it.
I think I am a walking oxymoron! I can be open with people, I'll share things with people that afterwords I'm like, 'why did I say that?'. At the same time I am a very closed off person-I don't offer my trust to people, I am rather suspicious of just about everyone. I rarely put my self out there for someone else, if that makes sense. I'd be willing to die for a stranger, or give any money I had on me to someone who needs it, but it's nearly impossible for me to make a fool out of myself for someone I know and care about. I love to laugh, but I'm afraid to. I want a relationship, but I don't. I think that there is something wrong with me.
I keep feeling that I will never be able to be in a relationship with any guy. It's one thing to be attracted to someone or to even just be friends with them, and to chat, but it is an entirely different thing to be committed to someone. Growing up I'd daydream about getting married and having kids, well even now that's been a daydream of mine, but reality is setting in, and I don't think I'm good enough to do any of it!!! I was thinking when I first met him that yeah, I can be friends with him, and I can learn something from this, I can enjoy getting better at this whole interacting with people thing, but I feel out of place, I don't know how to do this!!! I mean even if this guy who has popped into my life right now just remains a friend, he's gotten me thinking about things, really thinking about things like I never have before.
My whole life I've been rather self-centered I guess, basically because of my fears, but still the end result is just as bad if I were the kind of self-centered person who believed the world actually revolved around me, which I don't. But I still focus on myself, and I am filled with fear and I don't know what I want, or what to do. Part of me wants to know what to say or do to get this guy to think, okay not interested anymore, and to run off, so then I can get it all over with now. I don't know if I'm up for anything long and drawn out that ends with him saying, well I met someone, thanks for texting me and keeping me busy and entertaining me, bye. But neither do I think I'm up for anything serious.
Anyway despite all of this I'm not giving up, I just need to vent. I really do hope that I don't do anything to hurt, or disappoint this guy- I don't really know what he's looking for, and whatever he's looking for I don't know if I can offer him it. I don't even know why he's even remotely interested in me! It's not like I've said anything really amazing or funny, or am this drop dead gorgeous girl, or do anything interesting. I'm plain, shy, and ordinary! Sometimes I wish life wasn't so complicated and that I could just know exactly what to do and say. :s Anyway I'm done rambling about my craziness.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Yellow Stone
So last week my singles branch went to Yellow Stone. It was a lot of fun, but exhausting! It's good to be back. A couple of my friends would tease me about bear attacks, because I am terrified about bear, mountain lion, tiger, shark, any kind of wild animal, attacks. It actually helped me though, making it into a joke helped take away the fear of it, so I was able to just enjoy being there with friends, and I feel I got to know others a little better too. I was able to laugh and joke with people more than I normally do. Now I will never look at e-mails, Joyce's neck, and the song "Barbara Anne" the same way again.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Angel Falls
Angel Falls is in Venezuela, along the border near Brazil. It is the highest waterfall in the world, reaching 3,212 ft. It is so tall that the wind causes the water to atomize before it reaches the bottom, so it becomes mist. This mist can be felt a mile away from the falls. In the Pemon language the falls are called, Parakupa-vena and/or Kerepakupai meru, which means the fall from the highest point, and water fall of the deepest place.
Though he did not publicize it, Ernesto Sanchez La Cruz spotted the falls in 1912. But it wasn't until 1933 when Jimmie Angel flew over the falls that they became known to the outside world. He went back in 1937 and tried landing his plane at the top, but the wheels sunk into the mud and they were unable to get it out. He, his wife and 2 other companions had to descend the falls on foot- it took them 11 days to get to civilzation. Their adventure was heard of, and the falls were then named after him. Angels plane stayed on the mountain top for 33 years, until it was pulled off by a helicopter and restored.
The river that feeds into the falls is known by two different names; the Pemon name is Kerep. It was also given a Latvian name, Gauja, by a Latvian exploirer, Aleksandrs Laime. There is a trail that Laime created from the river to the base of the falls, and along the trail is a veiwpoint that many people take pictures of the falls from; it is called "Mirador Laime", which in spanish means, Laime's viewpoint.
Though the falls are a huge tourist attraction they are in the center of an isolated jungle, so they are not easy to get to. People can take a flight tour over the falls, but if it is cloudy it is impossible to see the falls. From June to December, is the season for boat trips, when the river will be deep enough for the Indian guides to take tourist up the river. From December to March is the dry season, and though there is less water, it will also be less likely to be cloudy.
How amazing would it be to see that?? So many places to go, so little time! (Information from wikipedia.)
Though he did not publicize it, Ernesto Sanchez La Cruz spotted the falls in 1912. But it wasn't until 1933 when Jimmie Angel flew over the falls that they became known to the outside world. He went back in 1937 and tried landing his plane at the top, but the wheels sunk into the mud and they were unable to get it out. He, his wife and 2 other companions had to descend the falls on foot- it took them 11 days to get to civilzation. Their adventure was heard of, and the falls were then named after him. Angels plane stayed on the mountain top for 33 years, until it was pulled off by a helicopter and restored.
The river that feeds into the falls is known by two different names; the Pemon name is Kerep. It was also given a Latvian name, Gauja, by a Latvian exploirer, Aleksandrs Laime. There is a trail that Laime created from the river to the base of the falls, and along the trail is a veiwpoint that many people take pictures of the falls from; it is called "Mirador Laime", which in spanish means, Laime's viewpoint.
Though the falls are a huge tourist attraction they are in the center of an isolated jungle, so they are not easy to get to. People can take a flight tour over the falls, but if it is cloudy it is impossible to see the falls. From June to December, is the season for boat trips, when the river will be deep enough for the Indian guides to take tourist up the river. From December to March is the dry season, and though there is less water, it will also be less likely to be cloudy.
How amazing would it be to see that?? So many places to go, so little time! (Information from wikipedia.)
Friday, August 7, 2009
SOUNDS
So yesterday I was looking at these pictures of destinations, and I made a list of them, because I'd like to learn more about them. The first place on my list is Milford Sound, which is in New Zealand. I admit that I had no idea what a sound was and so I decided to look it up. A sound is kind of like a channel, and is usually a large, open area of water, with land on either side. It is less protected than a bay, which is surrounded by land on three sides. A sound also tends to be deeper than a bay. The term "sound" comes from an Old English word, which means "to swim". So it is suggested that a person may possibly be able to swim accross a sound.
Milford Sound is named after Milford Haven, a natural harbour in Wales. Sheer rock faces rise out of the water on either side of the sound, and there is a lot of rain forest growth on the cliff walls. Milford Sound is one of the wettest places in the world, creating many large permanant waterfalls, and some temporary smaller ones. It is said that some of the smaller waterfalls are so high and never reach the bottom of the sound; they are carried away on the wind. Because of the amount of rainfall that occurs there, often the growth is carried away, causing tree avalanches in the sound.
There is an underwater observitory in one of the sounds bays, which allows tourists to see the black coral that grows there. Black coral is usually only found in deeper waters, but because of fresh water that is stained by tannins from the forest, the coral is allowed to grow closer to the surface in that area.
I definitely would love to go vist this place one day. Rudyard Kipling called Milford Sound the eighth Wonder of the World.
My information came from wikipedia and wisegeek.com.
Milford Sound is named after Milford Haven, a natural harbour in Wales. Sheer rock faces rise out of the water on either side of the sound, and there is a lot of rain forest growth on the cliff walls. Milford Sound is one of the wettest places in the world, creating many large permanant waterfalls, and some temporary smaller ones. It is said that some of the smaller waterfalls are so high and never reach the bottom of the sound; they are carried away on the wind. Because of the amount of rainfall that occurs there, often the growth is carried away, causing tree avalanches in the sound.
There is an underwater observitory in one of the sounds bays, which allows tourists to see the black coral that grows there. Black coral is usually only found in deeper waters, but because of fresh water that is stained by tannins from the forest, the coral is allowed to grow closer to the surface in that area.
I definitely would love to go vist this place one day. Rudyard Kipling called Milford Sound the eighth Wonder of the World.
My information came from wikipedia and wisegeek.com.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
So I got this white dress the other day. I went with my friend to the mall, and as we looked around I saw this beautiful dress which I immediately fell in love with. But often I will fall in love with a dress, shirt, or whatever, when I see it hanging on the hanger, but when I put it on it suddenly looks horrible. But I liked it on me too! I just need to find a shirt to wear on under it, and it will be perfect. I'm excited to wear it. I don't often find things that I like and feel pretty in, it takes a lot for me to feel even slightly pretty, so I'm excited about this. I just hope that when I actually do get to wear it that I won't suddenly feel ugly, like a chicken trying to wear peacock feathers-I tend to feel like that, as if everyone knows I'm trying to pretend to be something I'm not. Okay I'm going to stop thinking like that!!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
So I read some posts of NieNie's- I always feel more inspired, grateful, and just plain happier when I read her posts. I want to be that kind of person. The thing is she notices the little things and enjoys them- she delights in life and I want to do that. I want to look around me and notice what I have and appreciate it!
I love my sister Melissa who can stay up late as we discuss books and how they've touched us and helped us to see the world differently. I am grateful to her for putting up with my odd phobias and her determination to help me get over them. I love my sister Katie who I can laugh with over random words, jokes, sounds and faces; who seems to shine with an inner light and who is as stubborn, but lovable, as a...well we won't say the typical animal that is associated with stubbornness, instead we'll say, a cat. :) I love my brother John, who makes me laugh, but can also be sensitive and knows how to listen. He is a very loyal person, and intelligent. Though he can laugh and joke, and is very ticklish, he can be very quiet and inside himself.
I love good friends who help me laugh and be goofy and who also help me achieve important goals, or don't look down on my desires. Having a friend who I can wear my grungy clothes and wear a sweat band and not care how I look, and can exercise with, is awesome!! (One in particular, KatieAnne)
I love having a cousin who can laugh with me for hours over the phone and we can have multiple conversations going with each other and still understand what we're talking about. Who can delight in Creme Brule with me, who loves books, and who sets an example for me in setting goals and working hard to achieve them. (Evelyn, that's you!)
I love so many people who have touched my life, and I love the gospel, and I love Heavenly Father who is patient with me, and teaches me a little bit at a time- he knows it takes a while for things to sink in for me, and so He doesn't usually rush me, but teaches me to slow down and take my time.
I love color, and light and the look of a blank page being filled up with written words or a drawing. I love perfume. I enjoy the way my legs feel when I've just shaved them, and the feel of sand beneath my feet. I love the smell of cut grass and of rain. I love letters; hand written letters that come in the mail- texts and e-mails and whatever other kind of written communication just doesn't beat a hand written letter. I love not feeling afraid. I love the ocean, and I love the mountains. I love flowers and gardens. I love the desert. I love water. I love the wind. I love lady bugs and snakes and frogs and lizards, and potato bugs. I love my cat and dogs. I love being alive!!!
I love my sister Melissa who can stay up late as we discuss books and how they've touched us and helped us to see the world differently. I am grateful to her for putting up with my odd phobias and her determination to help me get over them. I love my sister Katie who I can laugh with over random words, jokes, sounds and faces; who seems to shine with an inner light and who is as stubborn, but lovable, as a...well we won't say the typical animal that is associated with stubbornness, instead we'll say, a cat. :) I love my brother John, who makes me laugh, but can also be sensitive and knows how to listen. He is a very loyal person, and intelligent. Though he can laugh and joke, and is very ticklish, he can be very quiet and inside himself.
I love good friends who help me laugh and be goofy and who also help me achieve important goals, or don't look down on my desires. Having a friend who I can wear my grungy clothes and wear a sweat band and not care how I look, and can exercise with, is awesome!! (One in particular, KatieAnne)
I love having a cousin who can laugh with me for hours over the phone and we can have multiple conversations going with each other and still understand what we're talking about. Who can delight in Creme Brule with me, who loves books, and who sets an example for me in setting goals and working hard to achieve them. (Evelyn, that's you!)
I love so many people who have touched my life, and I love the gospel, and I love Heavenly Father who is patient with me, and teaches me a little bit at a time- he knows it takes a while for things to sink in for me, and so He doesn't usually rush me, but teaches me to slow down and take my time.
I love color, and light and the look of a blank page being filled up with written words or a drawing. I love perfume. I enjoy the way my legs feel when I've just shaved them, and the feel of sand beneath my feet. I love the smell of cut grass and of rain. I love letters; hand written letters that come in the mail- texts and e-mails and whatever other kind of written communication just doesn't beat a hand written letter. I love not feeling afraid. I love the ocean, and I love the mountains. I love flowers and gardens. I love the desert. I love water. I love the wind. I love lady bugs and snakes and frogs and lizards, and potato bugs. I love my cat and dogs. I love being alive!!!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
So it's been a long time since I posted anything! I don't really have much to put on here, since not much is going on. My birthday was on the 24th. My family and I were taking our family vacation last week, so for my birthday we went to Bear Lake, and to Lava HOT Springs. We had fun, though with driving to the lake and then the springs we were all exhausted! So we ended up doing my cake and presents the next day. I have to admit I felt really bad about my parents getting me presents, especially when they spent so much on the vacation. I kind of feel once you reach a certain age presents aren't really a big deal, and people shouldn't worry about getting them. But I am grateful for the presents I got though. Melissa got me a temple bag, which I've needed! :) And my parents got me a movie, a book on this clay art (I can't remember what exactly it's called), a gift card to Barnes and Noble, a papya (one of my favorite fruits, so my mom got it for fun), and they got me a gift certificate to get a massage!! I've had really bad headaches and neck aches, so they did that for me! It is awesome of them!!
Anyway I had previously posted that my cousin and I were going on walks in the morning, we haven't been doing that- I need to start that with her again! My friend and I are going to work out after I get off of work too, so I think if I do all of that, and stick with it, It'll help me not only to get physically healthier, but emotionally and mentally better- I'll feel more positive.
Oh and My cousin's birthday is today!! She is the one I'm going to walk with in the mornings. I need to call her and wish her a happy birthday!
My friend and I are doing this letter story- where we choose a character to be, and write letters to each other as those characters. She is Star, an undercover Fairy, and I am Olivia (Olive for short) a chocolatier witch!
Anyway this is Jessica the "olive", signing off! :)
Anyway I had previously posted that my cousin and I were going on walks in the morning, we haven't been doing that- I need to start that with her again! My friend and I are going to work out after I get off of work too, so I think if I do all of that, and stick with it, It'll help me not only to get physically healthier, but emotionally and mentally better- I'll feel more positive.
Oh and My cousin's birthday is today!! She is the one I'm going to walk with in the mornings. I need to call her and wish her a happy birthday!
My friend and I are doing this letter story- where we choose a character to be, and write letters to each other as those characters. She is Star, an undercover Fairy, and I am Olivia (Olive for short) a chocolatier witch!
Anyway this is Jessica the "olive", signing off! :)
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