GUYS

Can I just say that guys stress me out!!
The past little while I've realized how absolutely terrified of relationships I am- I am petrified of being in a relationship with a guy. There is this guy who pretty much just popped up into my life recently, and while I'm enjoying getting to know him, and he is very sweet, I get hit with these anxieties every now and then. Today is one of those moments.
I've felt like I am opening up to him, getting a little more comfortable, especially since most of our communication has been through text. But then today, BAM! I get hit with this fear; a fear of him, a fear of not really knowing what's going on, a fear that I'm screwing something up, what I don't know. I fear the idea of being with someone, being attached to someone. I've never learned how to be a part of someone else's life. I mean I've made friends with others, but it never lasted long, and the friendships remained more on the surface, only recently have I begun to make a few friends that I am pretty close with. Mostly in my life it's been just me (aside from my family, though there are some family members I've never entirely gotten that close with). Basically all I've had to worry about is me- I mean I care about others, and I've tried to help people and all, I enjoy that, but I have not really had to worry worry about someone else. As much as I have craved contact with others, I am very terrified of it.
I think I am a walking oxymoron! I can be open with people, I'll share things with people that afterwords I'm like, 'why did I say that?'. At the same time I am a very closed off person-I don't offer my trust to people, I am rather suspicious of just about everyone. I rarely put my self out there for someone else, if that makes sense. I'd be willing to die for a stranger, or give any money I had on me to someone who needs it, but it's nearly impossible for me to make a fool out of myself for someone I know and care about. I love to laugh, but I'm afraid to. I want a relationship, but I don't. I think that there is something wrong with me.
I keep feeling that I will never be able to be in a relationship with any guy. It's one thing to be attracted to someone or to even just be friends with them, and to chat, but it is an entirely different thing to be committed to someone. Growing up I'd daydream about getting married and having kids, well even now that's been a daydream of mine, but reality is setting in, and I don't think I'm good enough to do any of it!!! I was thinking when I first met him that yeah, I can be friends with him, and I can learn something from this, I can enjoy getting better at this whole interacting with people thing, but I feel out of place, I don't know how to do this!!! I mean even if this guy who has popped into my life right now just remains a friend, he's gotten me thinking about things, really thinking about things like I never have before.
My whole life I've been rather self-centered I guess, basically because of my fears, but still the end result is just as bad if I were the kind of self-centered person who believed the world actually revolved around me, which I don't. But I still focus on myself, and I am filled with fear and I don't know what I want, or what to do. Part of me wants to know what to say or do to get this guy to think, okay not interested anymore, and to run off, so then I can get it all over with now. I don't know if I'm up for anything long and drawn out that ends with him saying, well I met someone, thanks for texting me and keeping me busy and entertaining me, bye. But neither do I think I'm up for anything serious.
Anyway despite all of this I'm not giving up, I just need to vent. I really do hope that I don't do anything to hurt, or disappoint this guy- I don't really know what he's looking for, and whatever he's looking for I don't know if I can offer him it. I don't even know why he's even remotely interested in me! It's not like I've said anything really amazing or funny, or am this drop dead gorgeous girl, or do anything interesting. I'm plain, shy, and ordinary! Sometimes I wish life wasn't so complicated and that I could just know exactly what to do and say. :s Anyway I'm done rambling about my craziness.