So I read some posts of NieNie's- I always feel more inspired, grateful, and just plain happier when I read her posts. I want to be that kind of person. The thing is she notices the little things and enjoys them- she delights in life and I want to do that. I want to look around me and notice what I have and appreciate it!
I love my sister Melissa who can stay up late as we discuss books and how they've touched us and helped us to see the world differently. I am grateful to her for putting up with my odd phobias and her determination to help me get over them. I love my sister Katie who I can laugh with over random words, jokes, sounds and faces; who seems to shine with an inner light and who is as stubborn, but lovable, as a...well we won't say the typical animal that is associated with stubbornness, instead we'll say, a cat. :) I love my brother John, who makes me laugh, but can also be sensitive and knows how to listen. He is a very loyal person, and intelligent. Though he can laugh and joke, and is very ticklish, he can be very quiet and inside himself.
I love good friends who help me laugh and be goofy and who also help me achieve important goals, or don't look down on my desires. Having a friend who I can wear my grungy clothes and wear a sweat band and not care how I look, and can exercise with, is awesome!! (One in particular, KatieAnne)
I love having a cousin who can laugh with me for hours over the phone and we can have multiple conversations going with each other and still understand what we're talking about. Who can delight in Creme Brule with me, who loves books, and who sets an example for me in setting goals and working hard to achieve them. (Evelyn, that's you!)
I love so many people who have touched my life, and I love the gospel, and I love Heavenly Father who is patient with me, and teaches me a little bit at a time- he knows it takes a while for things to sink in for me, and so He doesn't usually rush me, but teaches me to slow down and take my time.
I love color, and light and the look of a blank page being filled up with written words or a drawing. I love perfume. I enjoy the way my legs feel when I've just shaved them, and the feel of sand beneath my feet. I love the smell of cut grass and of rain. I love letters; hand written letters that come in the mail- texts and e-mails and whatever other kind of written communication just doesn't beat a hand written letter. I love not feeling afraid. I love the ocean, and I love the mountains. I love flowers and gardens. I love the desert. I love water. I love the wind. I love lady bugs and snakes and frogs and lizards, and potato bugs. I love my cat and dogs. I love being alive!!!

So it's been a long time since I posted anything! I don't really have much to put on here, since not much is going on. My birthday was on the 24th. My family and I were taking our family vacation last week, so for my birthday we went to Bear Lake, and to Lava HOT Springs. We had fun, though with driving to the lake and then the springs we were all exhausted! So we ended up doing my cake and presents the next day. I have to admit I felt really bad about my parents getting me presents, especially when they spent so much on the vacation. I kind of feel once you reach a certain age presents aren't really a big deal, and people shouldn't worry about getting them. But I am grateful for the presents I got though. Melissa got me a temple bag, which I've needed! :) And my parents got me a movie, a book on this clay art (I can't remember what exactly it's called), a gift card to Barnes and Noble, a papya (one of my favorite fruits, so my mom got it for fun), and they got me a gift certificate to get a massage!! I've had really bad headaches and neck aches, so they did that for me! It is awesome of them!!
Anyway I had previously posted that my cousin and I were going on walks in the morning, we haven't been doing that- I need to start that with her again! My friend and I are going to work out after I get off of work too, so I think if I do all of that, and stick with it, It'll help me not only to get physically healthier, but emotionally and mentally better- I'll feel more positive.
Oh and My cousin's birthday is today!! She is the one I'm going to walk with in the mornings. I need to call her and wish her a happy birthday!
My friend and I are doing this letter story- where we choose a character to be, and write letters to each other as those characters. She is Star, an undercover Fairy, and I am Olivia (Olive for short) a chocolatier witch!
Anyway this is Jessica the "olive", signing off! :)

Walking

So my cousin Evelyn and I have decided that we are going to go walking together every morning at about 8- my cousin lives in Montana, so walking with her every morning may seem impossible at first, but we've figured out how to! :) We are going to call each other at 8, and just talk while we walk. This way we can help motivate one another to keep up with our goals.
I walked the dogs this morning, separately of course, so that they could get a work out too, because they don't really get any other exercise throughout the day. Melissa was mad at me, because whichever dog was left behind was upset that they were left behind, so they made a lot of noise. Melissa hates mornings and has threatened to kill me if I take them on a walk again. I think I'll risk it. I will just need to remember to take little poop baggies with me, because Abbey can't hold it for very long. :p
I think walking will be a big benefit to me though, not just physically, but emotionally and even spiritually...I really need some help in those areas right now. I am determined to keep this up though, I refuse to let sleep and laziness rule me any longer!! :)

Freedom of Religion

So I've been thinking about some things I've read. I just read a post from my Uncle Cory about freedom of religion, and I've been reading some articles by Walter Williams. It made me think about religion, how our Society is changing, especially in their views towards God- such as the Pledge of Allegiance- when it says, "In God we trust." People want to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance. But that is another group thinking that they get to control the whole outcome. Why should people who don't believe in God get to change something created, and honored, by people who do believe in God? The fact that they believe everyone should live and talk how they live and talk is wrong. If they don't believe in God they don't have to say that line, or even say the Pledge of Allegiance for that matter. One person, or even group of people, shouldn't have the right to take away someone else's belief; they shouldn't have the right to change it. For instance let's say there is a large group of people, and they are having a picnic- they decide to cook all these different foods, and one of the foods has raisins in it, but some of the people there don't like raisins, but everyone else does. If the people who don't like raisins say, "Since we don't like raisins, you need to get rid of that dish, or not make it with raisins at all, so that we won't be offended.", that is rather selfish and controlling. Why should everyone else give up what they like, for a small group of other people? Even if it were the other way around, and the larger portion of people didn't like raisins, and the smaller group loved them, it doesn't mean they have to give up their dish. There is plenty of other food to eat, and if they want the dish, but without the raisins, they can pick them out! You don't have to force everyone else to conform to your standards to live a happy and peacfull life- to be offended that others are living their own lives according to standards you don't like is foolish- you can dislike their standards, and beliefs, but that doesn't mean they have to change to satisfy you. Live as you believe you should live, and treat others as you would wish to be treated. The Pledge of Allegiance should stay as it is, others shouldn't force everyone else to say it their way; force isn't being used on them, so why should it be used on those who do believe in God? To satisfy one group of people another group should not have to change and give up what is important and sacred to them. The only time offense is truly justified is when force is involved, and freedom is denied- if someone isn't being forced to do or say something, they don't need to be offended, they can freely live their own way, as long as it does not deny somone else the opportunity to do the same.

I've got a great friend!

Well letting a couple of days pass has helped me not feel so eeyoreish. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she mentioned how we tend to feel similar at the same time, so when I'm down she's down. She said at first she hated that, because she wanted to be able to help me when I was upset, but as we were talking yesterday about our insecurities and everything, she said that we should try to help others when we're feeling low; that focusing on others may help us. And when we're feeling low, we can pretty much know that the other one is feeling similar, so we can call the other up and say, "Hey let's go do something!" I hope it works- I know when I feel low I draw more into myself, and don't talk about things as much with others. Anyway I've got to get back to work! :)

Taking an Eeyore Moment

Okay so I need to complain a little, and since no one really comes on here I'm going to complain without feeling too worried about annoying other people. Today I had a singles activity, and it was kind of fun, but it always amazes me how I can feel so lonely among so many people. I feel so invisible. It's not that I want to be the center of attention, I actually hate moments, like birthdays, when I am the center of attention- it always makes me squirm. But the feeling of being invisible, and unimportant isn't a nice feeling either. To feel as if never existing in these peoples lives wouldn't make a difference to them, is very sad, and even sadder is knowing that it's my fault that it is this way. I don't know how to open up to them. One of my friends introduced me to another friend of hers, who I'd seen at other activities, but I didn't know him. When she introduced me to him I felt like running away, because trying to think of what to say and how to act always stresses me out. Knowing how to be involved in relationships of any kind has never been a strong point for me. I am truly terrified of people, of what they think of me. You know I could handle someone hitting me more than I could handle them hating me, or telling me I'm stupid or that I'm unimportant. To me words hurt far more than the physical things. My thoughts of myself have done very little good, and in fact almost always cause me some kind of pain. I don't know how to think well of myself, so how can I expect others to?? And how can I be visible to others when I am always trying to hide? I panic sometimes being around people, I try to hide it, but I probably look like some maniac! So I ended up leaving early, well not really early, but before they finished the movie (that was part of the activity). I went home, and felt like I couldn't even go in there, I didn't want to face everyone and try to smile, and tell them that I had a great time, when I really had a lousy time, again my own fault. So I left the house under the pretense of returning a movie, and I went to Wal-Mart, the store I hate, but always seem to go to, and I bought junk food, and movies. I bought a can of whipped cream, one of my favorite kinds of junk food, and some other things. Afterwords I felt slightly better, kind of relieved, but it never really makes me feel completely better. I have a problem, well I actually have quite a few problems. :) I don't know how to be comfortable with myself; don't know how deal with people, especially guys, they terrify me the most; and I've begun to revert to shopping and junk food to make me feel better, those are just a few of my problems. I really want to cry. I feel that my life is far from where I'd like it to be, and I am at a loss as to how to get it there. Anyway I don't know why I even write this on here- there is no one really there to read this, and if there were I think I'd be embarressed to have them read this. Blah!

Practically Perfect in Every way...except with that, and that and that.....

I realized something the other day. Well it began last Friday I was with my sister Melissa and my parents, we had gone out to eat. My parents were talking about Melissa and I being perfectionists. I never really saw myself as one- I knew Melissa was one- I've always felt rather that I was a procrastinator, though Melissa is one too. ;) But they said that we are such perfectionists that we get afraid of messing up, so we think, "If I can't do it perfectly I won't do it at all.", to avoid failing. Of course this isn't the healthiest way of thinking, but it hit me that is how I feel! The whole phrase, "Just do your best, always has meant to me that if you know you should or shouldn't do something, than you have no excuse for not doing it, or doing it. I hope that made sense. So when I mess up I feel horrible, because I know that I should have done it differently. I know I know it, even before I do it, yet I do it anyway. So I spend my time beating myself up, thinking I didn't do my best. Well my parents said that instead of looking at it as "Do your best", which I've subconsciously interpreted as being perfect, I should instead look at it as getting back up when I make a mistake, to not give up on myself or the situation. So I was thinking about all of this the other day and I realized that even when we know better that is not that same as knowing how to do what we know. For instance, You may have a recipe, you can read the instructions, and know that you've got to cook the food, but trying to follow the recipe accurately and to get the meal "perfect", is something that takes skill- which you can only obtain through practice; requirements for practice are: time, patience, effort, and being willing to make mistakes. Some recipes will be easier for us than others; so we shouldn't expect all of them to be easy, or all of them to be difficult. Life is this way, and we've just got to try and accept that mistakes will come- the "doing our best", isn't perfection, it's perseverance, it's patience, it's not giving up, no matter how many times it takes us to get it right. Even professionals mess up what they are good at- so not being experts at life, no matter how long we may have lived, means we're going to fall, and we should look forward to the getting back up, because we can.