Taking an Eeyore Moment

Okay so I need to complain a little, and since no one really comes on here I'm going to complain without feeling too worried about annoying other people. Today I had a singles activity, and it was kind of fun, but it always amazes me how I can feel so lonely among so many people. I feel so invisible. It's not that I want to be the center of attention, I actually hate moments, like birthdays, when I am the center of attention- it always makes me squirm. But the feeling of being invisible, and unimportant isn't a nice feeling either. To feel as if never existing in these peoples lives wouldn't make a difference to them, is very sad, and even sadder is knowing that it's my fault that it is this way. I don't know how to open up to them. One of my friends introduced me to another friend of hers, who I'd seen at other activities, but I didn't know him. When she introduced me to him I felt like running away, because trying to think of what to say and how to act always stresses me out. Knowing how to be involved in relationships of any kind has never been a strong point for me. I am truly terrified of people, of what they think of me. You know I could handle someone hitting me more than I could handle them hating me, or telling me I'm stupid or that I'm unimportant. To me words hurt far more than the physical things. My thoughts of myself have done very little good, and in fact almost always cause me some kind of pain. I don't know how to think well of myself, so how can I expect others to?? And how can I be visible to others when I am always trying to hide? I panic sometimes being around people, I try to hide it, but I probably look like some maniac! So I ended up leaving early, well not really early, but before they finished the movie (that was part of the activity). I went home, and felt like I couldn't even go in there, I didn't want to face everyone and try to smile, and tell them that I had a great time, when I really had a lousy time, again my own fault. So I left the house under the pretense of returning a movie, and I went to Wal-Mart, the store I hate, but always seem to go to, and I bought junk food, and movies. I bought a can of whipped cream, one of my favorite kinds of junk food, and some other things. Afterwords I felt slightly better, kind of relieved, but it never really makes me feel completely better. I have a problem, well I actually have quite a few problems. :) I don't know how to be comfortable with myself; don't know how deal with people, especially guys, they terrify me the most; and I've begun to revert to shopping and junk food to make me feel better, those are just a few of my problems. I really want to cry. I feel that my life is far from where I'd like it to be, and I am at a loss as to how to get it there. Anyway I don't know why I even write this on here- there is no one really there to read this, and if there were I think I'd be embarressed to have them read this. Blah!