I've got a great friend!

Well letting a couple of days pass has helped me not feel so eeyoreish. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she mentioned how we tend to feel similar at the same time, so when I'm down she's down. She said at first she hated that, because she wanted to be able to help me when I was upset, but as we were talking yesterday about our insecurities and everything, she said that we should try to help others when we're feeling low; that focusing on others may help us. And when we're feeling low, we can pretty much know that the other one is feeling similar, so we can call the other up and say, "Hey let's go do something!" I hope it works- I know when I feel low I draw more into myself, and don't talk about things as much with others. Anyway I've got to get back to work! :)

Taking an Eeyore Moment

Okay so I need to complain a little, and since no one really comes on here I'm going to complain without feeling too worried about annoying other people. Today I had a singles activity, and it was kind of fun, but it always amazes me how I can feel so lonely among so many people. I feel so invisible. It's not that I want to be the center of attention, I actually hate moments, like birthdays, when I am the center of attention- it always makes me squirm. But the feeling of being invisible, and unimportant isn't a nice feeling either. To feel as if never existing in these peoples lives wouldn't make a difference to them, is very sad, and even sadder is knowing that it's my fault that it is this way. I don't know how to open up to them. One of my friends introduced me to another friend of hers, who I'd seen at other activities, but I didn't know him. When she introduced me to him I felt like running away, because trying to think of what to say and how to act always stresses me out. Knowing how to be involved in relationships of any kind has never been a strong point for me. I am truly terrified of people, of what they think of me. You know I could handle someone hitting me more than I could handle them hating me, or telling me I'm stupid or that I'm unimportant. To me words hurt far more than the physical things. My thoughts of myself have done very little good, and in fact almost always cause me some kind of pain. I don't know how to think well of myself, so how can I expect others to?? And how can I be visible to others when I am always trying to hide? I panic sometimes being around people, I try to hide it, but I probably look like some maniac! So I ended up leaving early, well not really early, but before they finished the movie (that was part of the activity). I went home, and felt like I couldn't even go in there, I didn't want to face everyone and try to smile, and tell them that I had a great time, when I really had a lousy time, again my own fault. So I left the house under the pretense of returning a movie, and I went to Wal-Mart, the store I hate, but always seem to go to, and I bought junk food, and movies. I bought a can of whipped cream, one of my favorite kinds of junk food, and some other things. Afterwords I felt slightly better, kind of relieved, but it never really makes me feel completely better. I have a problem, well I actually have quite a few problems. :) I don't know how to be comfortable with myself; don't know how deal with people, especially guys, they terrify me the most; and I've begun to revert to shopping and junk food to make me feel better, those are just a few of my problems. I really want to cry. I feel that my life is far from where I'd like it to be, and I am at a loss as to how to get it there. Anyway I don't know why I even write this on here- there is no one really there to read this, and if there were I think I'd be embarressed to have them read this. Blah!

Practically Perfect in Every way...except with that, and that and that.....

I realized something the other day. Well it began last Friday I was with my sister Melissa and my parents, we had gone out to eat. My parents were talking about Melissa and I being perfectionists. I never really saw myself as one- I knew Melissa was one- I've always felt rather that I was a procrastinator, though Melissa is one too. ;) But they said that we are such perfectionists that we get afraid of messing up, so we think, "If I can't do it perfectly I won't do it at all.", to avoid failing. Of course this isn't the healthiest way of thinking, but it hit me that is how I feel! The whole phrase, "Just do your best, always has meant to me that if you know you should or shouldn't do something, than you have no excuse for not doing it, or doing it. I hope that made sense. So when I mess up I feel horrible, because I know that I should have done it differently. I know I know it, even before I do it, yet I do it anyway. So I spend my time beating myself up, thinking I didn't do my best. Well my parents said that instead of looking at it as "Do your best", which I've subconsciously interpreted as being perfect, I should instead look at it as getting back up when I make a mistake, to not give up on myself or the situation. So I was thinking about all of this the other day and I realized that even when we know better that is not that same as knowing how to do what we know. For instance, You may have a recipe, you can read the instructions, and know that you've got to cook the food, but trying to follow the recipe accurately and to get the meal "perfect", is something that takes skill- which you can only obtain through practice; requirements for practice are: time, patience, effort, and being willing to make mistakes. Some recipes will be easier for us than others; so we shouldn't expect all of them to be easy, or all of them to be difficult. Life is this way, and we've just got to try and accept that mistakes will come- the "doing our best", isn't perfection, it's perseverance, it's patience, it's not giving up, no matter how many times it takes us to get it right. Even professionals mess up what they are good at- so not being experts at life, no matter how long we may have lived, means we're going to fall, and we should look forward to the getting back up, because we can.

Everything's better with butter

Okay, so I don't really believe that everything is better with butter, I just felt like saying that. I am feeling better though. I mean I don't have an, I AM HEALED, kind of feeling, but I feel good. The past week and a half or so has been a bit difficult, but I'm on the rise again. :) Really what has helped me feel a bit better is that I taught a lesson tonight, I am a Branch Missionary, and planning and teaching with my Companion often helps me to put things into perspective. My companion is really amazing- she's helped me out in so many ways; she has this quiet strength, and amazing love for everyone, and an awesome sense of humor! So she knows how to help give me support, and to feel important and make me laugh, and help me to see things in a more positive way; she is a very dear friend. Also the sister we have been teaching is amazing, every time I talk to her I feel like she teaches me- and it's not in a lecture kind of way, she just shares the things she's going through and what she's learned- she also is hilarious, and helps to brighten my day when I talk to her. We're supposed to teach her, yet she seems to always "turn on the light" for me, so I can understand things a little better. Anyway after going over and teaching her I feel renewed. Part of that comes also from the fact that I'm not thinking of myself when I go to teach- Service really is a way to forget yourself and to heal - the Lord does help you heal while you're focused on someone else. I thought I should write this post, so that my last post wouldn't be this sad depressing one. :D I just feel like I've been given more strength to face my trials, which haven't gone away, but don't seem so overwhelming.

So I've been feeling kind of lonely- even when I'm around people I feel separate. I don't want to be a downer, but it kind of stinks feeling like this. And with other things going on, which are a bit difficult, it doesn't get any easier. :( But in my previous post I talked about working on learning; I think one of the things I need to learn is how to be more social, and not be so withdrawn. I just don't know where to start. Hmmmmm........

Learning

I want to learn, I love it- at times it gets pretty stressful- but for the most part it's amazing! I love the moment when, after struggling to understand something, the light comes on, everything falls into place, and I know. I love the feeling of moving forward, growing, and gaining more knowledge, it helps me feel alive.
I've not been able to go to school the last two semesters- well this last fall semester I needed a break, like I said it can be stressful at times. Then this Spring I couldn't afford to go. So it's been awhile since I was going to school, and I've been feeling pretty low, feeling like I've just been stagnant, and not moving forward at all, and when I feel like this I feel stupid. I hate this feeling, of just drifting, and not doing anything, because then I start to forget the things I do know, which I'm afraid isn't much, even though I love to learn. So until I can get back into school- which I'm hoping will be this fall, fingers crossed- I'm going to try to study things on my own, which is sometimes a little difficult, but I'm gonna do it, I need to, because I can't stand feeling like this. It's driving me crazy!

Deleated Words

How simple it is to hit the "delete" button, and then the old text or e-mail is gone. I've always wondered though what happens to what we delete. It was there one moment, and then gone the next. I have a hard time imagining those words to be completely gone though, to no longer exist. I mean when we throw out the trash and it's taken away, it doesn't actually disappear, it's in a dump. Do our deleted words then go to a virtual dump? Wouldn't that be interesting to go to such a place and see peoples words scattered in a field, piled on top of each other. I wonder how this virtual dump would be organized; alphabetically, by theme, maybe by date? I like to think it would be by theme. Perhaps all the love messages would be stacked up together, and the angry ones in a pile, and all the confusing, and misspelled words would be in another. Do you think people would go through them to create their own love letter, or hate-grams? Hmmm...a used love poem, that would be interesting. :) Anyway I digress from where I actually wanted to go with this. I wanted to think about what happens to our words, or rather, what happens because of our words, whether they were typed and sent to someone or spoken face to face. We think that it is rather easy to say something and delete it, but it's not. Whether there is an actual dump site for our words or not, I believe they never really go away. When you tell somone that you love them, they cherish that, they remember it; those words help build them up. Likewise when you say something horrible to someone, they remember it, but it tears them down. Even when the exact words are forgotten the meaning isn't. We may think that we can delete something and forget it and move on, but I don't think it's ever that simple. Even when we say we're sorry, it doesn't instantly erase the words we've said previously. We should be more careful with what we say- words are very powerful. It has been words that have inspired people to do great things; it has been words that have caused people to fall in and out of love; words that make us laugh and cry, to fight or to create peace; it's words that make us think and decided who we will vote for; words that give us direction, and knowledge; it is through The Word that our world and all of us were created. We should be careful with our words, because what our words create cannot easily be deleted.