Today is my counseling appointment. My heart is pounding just thinking about it. :S

Right now I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, but sometimes it feels to hard to try and not be. This past week has not been a good one for me. For most of the week I stayed home, not feeling well; not just because of the depression, I've been having headaches a lot lately too. I am going to visit a councilor this week, which I hope helps. But even with that I feel dread. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, I can learn to be happy and enjoy life, and then it's like a big wave of fear and hopelessnes hits me. It reminds me of this time when my family had a reunion out in California. One of my Aunts and I were walking out of the ocean and back up to the beach when a wave hit us and pushed us under. Neither of us could get back up, because the waves just kept coming, it was pretty scary. I feel like that right now, except for a few moments where I can peek my head up, I feel like I am drowning and that there is no way back up. I try to feel positive and to tell myself to just keep going, but it's really hard.
I feel like a horrible person, because I'm not really talking to anyone right now, not just because of not wanting to talk to anyone, but because I forget to call them back if they call me. I should be out doing my calling, helping other people, but I either get to anxious about doing it, or I forget. My head is fuzy again. I mean my memory has never been the greatest, but when I am depressed I feel like my head is full of fog, and I can hardly remember what happened from one day to the next, let alone contact anyone. Everything just runs together.
You know what really sucks right now? The past few years I've been pushing myself to be more outgoing and to talk to people, to make friends. But on the whole I still feel invisible and unimportant. My whole life I've actually tried pushing myself to be better, to face my fears. But I feel worse off now, even after trying so hard to get better. I feel like a loser. I feel in the way. I've met people who were important to me, but I don't think that I'll ever be important to anybody else. No matter how hard I try I think I'll just always be in other peoples way.
You know what I wish for? I wish that people actually respected me, took me seriously. I feel like people either see me as a joke, or as a little stupid child that they need to baby. I know people often try to be nice to me because I'm shy, but the way they do it comes across as demeaning and patronizing. As though I couldn't understand the "big adult" conversation going on, or as if I couldn't understand a joke, so they have to explain to me that they're joking. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of not being able to speak well enough, always stumbling over my words. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of being treated like a child, and therfore feeling like one. I'm tired of people looking at me with pity. I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. I'm tired of being the ugly one. I'm tired of being the nerdy nobody. I am tired of feeling like a puzzle piece placed in the wrong puzzle box. I'm tired of feeling unnecisary. When I feel like this I definitely don't want to be around people, not just because of the stress, but because I don't want to be the party-pooper. I don't want to annoy everyone else with how low I feel. It's better to hide then to be out there being everything you don't want to be and annoying everyone you meet in the process.
.....
Anyway on the plus side I have continued taking daily pictures. I just need to actually get my pictures developed.
I wonder if I'll ever be important enough to be noticed and listened to, if I'll ever be able to find the words I want to say, and to just say them.

How things are coming along

So I haven't been able to develop any of the pictures, but so far this year I've taken pictures daily. Wootwoot! I mean I know I'm only 6 days into the year and all, but it's pretty awesome that I'm remembering to take the pictures. I'm trying to keep track of what I take pictures of each day so I don't get all confused about what is what. I'm going to try to develop my film soon and post the pictures online. I don't want to wait until the end of the year to post all of my pictures.
Anyway as for other things in my life right now I'm trying to debate whether or not to go to school this semester. I need to find out if I'll be able to get financial aid again, if I stop going this semester, even though I won't have moved onto being a Jr. I had heard, and may be wrong, that in order to get financial aid each year you need to have progressed a year- so if you are a freshman, to get financial aid again the next year you'll have needed to become a sophomore. If that's true than I don't know if I can just stop going, unless I find an excellent job that pays well so I can save up the money for school next fall, which is when I plan on going back to school. I just feel that I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know what I want to be, so I feel like I'm going no where in school, not working towards anything really, and none of the classes at the University I'm attending seem interesting enough, I'm dreading each day, and feeling like such a loser. I really am not interested in any of the classes I'm signed up for, well except one class, which I realized I can't do right now, so with that one gone I feel like there is no point to my going to school right now. I just don't know what good it'll do. I'm thinking that if I drop out right now, I may go to a different university next year; depending on what classes and opportunities other universities have to offer. I don't know if I'm making any sense or if this all sounds jumbled, but I need to get things off my chest. I've been feeling so depressed lately, overwhelmingly so, and I feel stuck. I hate feeling like I'm going no where in life, but just running around in circles. I hate seeing people so passionate about what they want to do in life and I have no clue what to do with mine. Why? I have many interests, but I don't know which one to pick, and I don't feel passionate about them, at least not as much as others seem to be about their interests. I think I'd enjoy having many hobbies, but I don't think I'd really want to make any of them careers. And some of the ideas I have for careers I don't know if I really want to do them, or if I could even physically be capable of doing them. For instance I've been thinking lately of being a physical therapist, but I don't know if my body could handle that; my joints, especially my wrists are hurting more and more, so I don't think that I'd be capable of that kind of work. I think I'd do more damage to myself, and end up in a wheelchair needing physical therapy myself! Same thing with becoming a massage therapist.
I had thought about other things, and none of them seem to hold much excitement or joy for me. I've begun to wonder if there is anything at all that I could do that would make me happy, I don't care if I make a lot of money with it, I just want to enjoy what I do. But if there is nothing that I can do I feel like I'm just a pointless and useless nobody. Just a waste of space. I hate that feeling. Blah! :(

An Idea

So I have an idea forming. It's kind of inspired by two different people; a photographer Jim Brandenburg and a blogger, Stephanie Nielson (NieNie). Jim is an amazing photographer who lives in Minnesota, and he did this book (which I don't have yet) called, "Chased by the Light", where he only shot one photograph per day for three months, from the autumnal equinox to the winter solstice. Another book he did, which I do have is called "Looking for the Summer", a very beautiful book! In this book he took more than one photo and chose the best one to represent each day of summer.
Stephanie, as I said is a blogger, though I'd say she is a photographer too, and a pretty awesome one at that! She is amazing, and has inspired me many times before with her words, and story. Anyway she is starting a blog based off of a book called, " '3191~A Year of Mornings", where two women, who were friends, but in different areas, each took a photograph of their morning, something to represent it. So Stephanie is doing something like that with a friend of her's who lives in Germany. I just read about it and decided that I want to do something similar to both of these things. I won't do this with a friend, because honestly I don't have time to find someone who will do it with me, but I want to photograph each day of my life for a year. I won't be able to do just one photograph a day like Jim, so I'll do multiple and then pick the best one to post. Since I have a film camera I won't be able to post pictures daily- though I may on some of them use my sisters digital camera, so I can post sooner.
Maybe in taking time to look at the small and simple things that make up my life I'll learn to appreciate my life a little more. The trouble will be to remember to take a picture- I'll need to remember to take my camera with me everywhere I go! :) I think this will be fun, and will end up being a photographic journal, since I'm not very good at keeping a written one. Sometimes words fail and pictures say everything.
I took some photo's tonight of random things, but I may try to take a picture of something that represents the first day of the New Year for me. I think this will require me to think a bit more outside the box. Hmmm..... :)