Right now I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, but sometimes it feels to hard to try and not be. This past week has not been a good one for me. For most of the week I stayed home, not feeling well; not just because of the depression, I've been having headaches a lot lately too. I am going to visit a councilor this week, which I hope helps. But even with that I feel dread. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, I can learn to be happy and enjoy life, and then it's like a big wave of fear and hopelessnes hits me. It reminds me of this time when my family had a reunion out in California. One of my Aunts and I were walking out of the ocean and back up to the beach when a wave hit us and pushed us under. Neither of us could get back up, because the waves just kept coming, it was pretty scary. I feel like that right now, except for a few moments where I can peek my head up, I feel like I am drowning and that there is no way back up. I try to feel positive and to tell myself to just keep going, but it's really hard.
I feel like a horrible person, because I'm not really talking to anyone right now, not just because of not wanting to talk to anyone, but because I forget to call them back if they call me. I should be out doing my calling, helping other people, but I either get to anxious about doing it, or I forget. My head is fuzy again. I mean my memory has never been the greatest, but when I am depressed I feel like my head is full of fog, and I can hardly remember what happened from one day to the next, let alone contact anyone. Everything just runs together.
You know what really sucks right now? The past few years I've been pushing myself to be more outgoing and to talk to people, to make friends. But on the whole I still feel invisible and unimportant. My whole life I've actually tried pushing myself to be better, to face my fears. But I feel worse off now, even after trying so hard to get better. I feel like a loser. I feel in the way. I've met people who were important to me, but I don't think that I'll ever be important to anybody else. No matter how hard I try I think I'll just always be in other peoples way.
You know what I wish for? I wish that people actually respected me, took me seriously. I feel like people either see me as a joke, or as a little stupid child that they need to baby. I know people often try to be nice to me because I'm shy, but the way they do it comes across as demeaning and patronizing. As though I couldn't understand the "big adult" conversation going on, or as if I couldn't understand a joke, so they have to explain to me that they're joking. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of not being able to speak well enough, always stumbling over my words. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of being treated like a child, and therfore feeling like one. I'm tired of people looking at me with pity. I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. I'm tired of being the ugly one. I'm tired of being the nerdy nobody. I am tired of feeling like a puzzle piece placed in the wrong puzzle box. I'm tired of feeling unnecisary. When I feel like this I definitely don't want to be around people, not just because of the stress, but because I don't want to be the party-pooper. I don't want to annoy everyone else with how low I feel. It's better to hide then to be out there being everything you don't want to be and annoying everyone you meet in the process.
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Anyway on the plus side I have continued taking daily pictures. I just need to actually get my pictures developed.
I wonder if I'll ever be important enough to be noticed and listened to, if I'll ever be able to find the words I want to say, and to just say them.