Learning

I want to learn, I love it- at times it gets pretty stressful- but for the most part it's amazing! I love the moment when, after struggling to understand something, the light comes on, everything falls into place, and I know. I love the feeling of moving forward, growing, and gaining more knowledge, it helps me feel alive.
I've not been able to go to school the last two semesters- well this last fall semester I needed a break, like I said it can be stressful at times. Then this Spring I couldn't afford to go. So it's been awhile since I was going to school, and I've been feeling pretty low, feeling like I've just been stagnant, and not moving forward at all, and when I feel like this I feel stupid. I hate this feeling, of just drifting, and not doing anything, because then I start to forget the things I do know, which I'm afraid isn't much, even though I love to learn. So until I can get back into school- which I'm hoping will be this fall, fingers crossed- I'm going to try to study things on my own, which is sometimes a little difficult, but I'm gonna do it, I need to, because I can't stand feeling like this. It's driving me crazy!

Deleated Words

How simple it is to hit the "delete" button, and then the old text or e-mail is gone. I've always wondered though what happens to what we delete. It was there one moment, and then gone the next. I have a hard time imagining those words to be completely gone though, to no longer exist. I mean when we throw out the trash and it's taken away, it doesn't actually disappear, it's in a dump. Do our deleted words then go to a virtual dump? Wouldn't that be interesting to go to such a place and see peoples words scattered in a field, piled on top of each other. I wonder how this virtual dump would be organized; alphabetically, by theme, maybe by date? I like to think it would be by theme. Perhaps all the love messages would be stacked up together, and the angry ones in a pile, and all the confusing, and misspelled words would be in another. Do you think people would go through them to create their own love letter, or hate-grams? Hmmm...a used love poem, that would be interesting. :) Anyway I digress from where I actually wanted to go with this. I wanted to think about what happens to our words, or rather, what happens because of our words, whether they were typed and sent to someone or spoken face to face. We think that it is rather easy to say something and delete it, but it's not. Whether there is an actual dump site for our words or not, I believe they never really go away. When you tell somone that you love them, they cherish that, they remember it; those words help build them up. Likewise when you say something horrible to someone, they remember it, but it tears them down. Even when the exact words are forgotten the meaning isn't. We may think that we can delete something and forget it and move on, but I don't think it's ever that simple. Even when we say we're sorry, it doesn't instantly erase the words we've said previously. We should be more careful with what we say- words are very powerful. It has been words that have inspired people to do great things; it has been words that have caused people to fall in and out of love; words that make us laugh and cry, to fight or to create peace; it's words that make us think and decided who we will vote for; words that give us direction, and knowledge; it is through The Word that our world and all of us were created. We should be careful with our words, because what our words create cannot easily be deleted.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Doesn't it drive you crazy when someone knows you almost better than you know yourself?? Well today I was talking to my sister, Melissa, about this guy I liked, I had said that I was over him- I thought I was, truly I did! When I liked him, or rather when I had acknowledged that I did, I found out that he was dating someone, so I told myself I would forget him, and I think for the most part I did. I believed I was over him. Well fast-forward to today, where I was talking to Melissa, as I said above, and I told her that I was good at lying to myself, and she looked at me and said, "You still like him don't you?" I was flabbergasted! I didn't think she would know what I was even going to be talking about, but she did. Then she said that she didn't believe me when I had said I was over this guy, and I was all, "well I believed me." humph...I wish I wasn't so good at lying to myself, it's not very good for my health. :P So I'm frustrated with myself for liking this guy, who I now don't know for certain if he is dating anyone, and even if he weren't I don't know if he'd be interested in me. And I am also frustrated since I posted this thing on my facebook, about being okay with being single! I wasn't saying that I wanted to stay single, but rather was saying that as long as I was single, I'd be okay. But I think that it came across as me saying that I wasn't interested in dating! Why do I do this to myself? Anyway I just thought I'd take a moment to complain about my non-existent love life! :)

CRASH!

I hate crashes, there is nothing about a crash that is good. Anytime the word "crash" is involved in a conversation it means something bad happened. Well today my sister informed me that our computer crashed. To restart the computer my brother had to do a full system recovery, or something like that- kind of like an enema, or a colon cleanse, for a computer I imagine. This means that everything will be wiped off the hard drive!! So unless the computer did an auto-save before it crashed, everything is gone! I am a bit upset, but I guess I have to accept it. I'll have to start over with my cousins wedding photo's, I'll have to try to remember things I wrote and saved on there, to re-write them, which with my memory is unlikely! Maybe I need to start taking ginkgo-biloba, or whatever, to help me with my memory. Dahhhh!! I wish computers didn't crash; well I wish crashes didn't happen of any kind! But I suppose I can only move forward and be more wise when I write and save things on a computer. I think I will be going out later today and buying a lot of memory sticks, and what not. 'As God as my witness, I will never lose another thing in a computer crash again!' :p

Answered prayer

There is a friend of mine who was facing some trials, and was struggling with trusting the Lord. I wanted to say something that would comfort her, and help her, but I didn't know what to say. So I prayed to find the words, and I then started to write her a note, and the words began to come, sometimes they were slow, but they came. I wanted to post what I sent her, because the words were important for me, not just because I wanted to help her, but because it was a reminder to me too, for those moments life gets tough for me. I did lose the first half of the message, so that part will basically be from memory. So here goes:
'I wanted you first to know that I love you. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I know you're struggling, and it's important to you, what you feel matters, and I do not in any way want to deny that. I believe though that we are all called to go through some suffering in life, and feel a small part of what the Lord felt. And as painful and difficult as our trials are, we cannot lessen what the Lord went through, for us. He loves you, and suffered for you, that is someone worth trusting. And the Lord would not be so unkind or so' "foolish as to have gone through all he went through for you and me, only to leave you now, or to become careless with your life. You are not bad for feeling as you do, I've felt that way before. I ask that you not give up on him yet. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, even tell him that you are angry or upset, tell him you are having a hard time trusting him, but whatever you do, do not give up on him. He is there, you just need to give yourself a little time to notice him. As I said before, I love you and the Lord loves you."
Like I said I wanted to post this so that I could remember it for myself. I had been so worried that I may have upset her when I sent it to her, but she told me later that it had helped her. It gave me comfort to know that the Lord had helped both of us in that moment. He knew what would help her, and gave me the words we both needed to hear. It gave me some hope that I am not a complete flop in trying to hear him, and help others, and it strengthened my testimony that the Lord does hear and answer prayers.

Making Choices....

I am not a very good decision maker, whenever my family or friends are trying to decide where to eat or an activity to do, I most often say, "whatever you guys want", because choices are rather stressful for me; dealing with figuring out all the options, then trying to figure out what I want out of those options, and then not wanting to annoy others with my choices- we all have to agree for the most part- makes me stressed! So if little decisions like what to eat stress me out, think of how stressful it is to make bigger decisions! Like where to move to, where to work, and what I want to be when I "grow up"! I've been pretty stressed trying to figure these things out, but I spoke with my Branch President, and we kind of broke things down. Talking to him helped, but I realized something about myself, with my difficulty of making choices. Because I've spent most of my life saying, "whatever you want" I don't really always know what I want. I am having a hard time knowing myself, knowing my own opinion. It kind of stinks! I am realizing why it's so important to help children know their own thoughts, why they need to be able to make choices, suitable for their age of course, because if parents are always making the choices for them, and not giving them enough opportunity to speak, then they begin to think their thoughts and opinions are wrong, and that others should make choices for them. If they don't have that opportunity while they are young, then it's going to be a heck of a lot harder for them to learn how to when they are older!
Choice is essential in life, we all need it, our choices make up part of our identity. We sometimes want what is best for others, that we make them, or at least try to make them, do what is right. We'll do whatever we can to make sure our dear ones are on the right track; we'll try to intimidate them by useing our authority, or we'll try to guilttrip them, we'll threaten them, and try to scare them, whatever it takes to do what is right. But no matter our good intentions, this isn't right, it denies them the opportunity to gain a sense of self, it denies them the right to choose, and understand for themselves right from wrong. Now don't get me wrong, little children need boundries, they need guidance, and rules, but that can be done while still helping them make their own choices.
Anyway I've gone off rambling about parenting advice when I'm not even a parent! :) Just speaking from experience- as one who is struggling to learn to make her own choices.

It's been awhile since I posted on here, though I don't really have anyone to write to. In fact I feel a bit odd writing on here basically to myself, I guess that's why I stopped after just two postings, but it's all good. I had been reading nienie's blog today and she really is an inspiration. I don't even know her, but her story has affected my life. In one of her posts- it was the February 16th one, she said, "Everyone has a story and it is being guided (if we let it) by our Heavenly Father." That stood out to me, because the past little while has been teaching me that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and unless we choose to not accept that plan, it will happen, nothing will stop His plan for us from happening. I also think that everyone wants to feel important, but it's easy to not feel so, especially when we are always comparing ourselves to others, and seeing how great everyone else seems to be. In Nienie's simple statement, that everyone has a story, it brings a feeling of importance, and the fact is everyone is. We all have something to say and do, we all have our own experiences, and know things, which are important, that can be of assistance to others. We should not live our lives comparing ourselves to others, but we should live reaching for our own personal best, try to help others in any way we are able to, and expect no more or less of ourselves. This is something I admit I find rather hard to do. I've been trying for a very long time to gain confidence in myself, and to simply enjoy life. I realized a few weeks ago, as I was studying the scriptures about confidence, that having confidence in ourselves has a great deal to do with having confidence in the Lord, and having charity for others. I realized that in not trusting myself I was doubting God, I wasn't putting my full faith and trust in Him, I was saying He had failed in me- but God can't fail, He never has and never will. I realized also that in not really liking myself I couldn't love others, because my thoughts were spent focusing on myself; how foolish I was, how I could have done this or that better, or that this person must think I'm so stupid...etc. I would forget to think of what others needed, I would forget to think that the people around me might be struggeling and need someone to love them, to help them. So I'm working on my thoughts, and what I focus on- I'm trying to trust God's infinite, and perfect judgment -His perfect and clear view of all things, which is better than my finite understanding, and picture of life. So Alecto is back! :) I'm going to do better at clearing my mind of negative thoughts, and seeing what God sees, not just in myself, but in others, and in life. Things might not go exactly as planned, but I can solve any problems I'm faced with, as long as I turn to the Lord, I can be happy with who I am, and I can look forward to the future, we all can.