ST John 10

In St. John 10 the Lord is talking about being the Good Shepherd, he speaks about his atonement. Verse 10 he talks about how he comes to bring life, that we might have it more abundantly. Verse 11 he says the Good Shepherd gives his life for the sheep. Verse 14 He says he knows his sheep and is known by them. Verse 15 he says, "I lay down my life for the sheep." Verse 18 He says that he lays it down himself. There is a lot more in this whole chapter, but these stood out to me. I feel in reading these verses I can get a little clearer picture of who the Lord is. He is very loving, willing to sacrifice himself for us that we may have a life, not only that but that we might have it more abundantly. He knows us personally he's not just doing some random thing for strangers, He is trying to help those He loves, and he loves all of us, so he's trying to help all of us! Because he knows us, he knows how to help each of us individually. Not only this but he keeps saying he is the Good Shepherd, and the shepherd genuinely cares for his sheep, so he's not going to abandon us when bad things happen; he hasn't been hired to care for us, we are his, so he wants to care for us! He chooses to lay his life down for us, no one just takes if from him.
The Lord chose to die for us. He faced death, pain and suffering by his own choice, for us! Easter is a time to remember our Savior, to remember our brother and Good Shepherd, who is here to save us, to redeem us. He hasn't forgotten us, he never will.

Jesus Christ

Today is Palm Sunday, and this is the week of the Last Supper, and when Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, and was hung on the Christ and died for us. He rose from the dead and lives for us. It's a sacred week, because it is the week of the Atonement. The Lord loves us; his desire is to help us return home and to have joy. I had never really thought about what this week meant before, Easter really was just a holiday to me. I mean I knew it was the day of the Lords resurrection, but the meaning of it never hit me until today when one of the sisters in the Branch, Beth, bore her testimony and talked about what occurred during this week, during the time of Christ. I've realized how sacred this time is, and I feel more appreciation for Easter time, for the Lord. After church I went on a little drive and took pictures of the sunset, and I felt very close to the Lord; grateful for his creations, for his love, and his help throughout my life. I felt like that moment was just between me and the Lord. The sunset was beautiful, it looked as I felt in my heart. I want to try to focus on the Lord and His atonement this week.

We the people need to do something, our government is getting out of control, they are power hungry, and are slowly chipping away at our freedom; actually they don't seem to be going that slow anymore, in fact they seem to have picked up speed. This isn't a game, it's not being dramatic or silly to say, STOP! Look around at what is happening! Look at history, look at other governments around the world, look at what ours is becoming. You'll see that what is happening to our very own isn't much different than what has happened to other governments, past and present. Ours has been the most successful government, because the power has been in the hands of the people, because the people have had freedom and liberty. But with the government taking more and more power we are putting ourselves in a worse and more hazardous situation. The health care bill that was passed is just one step towards loss of freedom and liberty. Nancy Pelosi talked about this bill as being a part of helping with the pursuit of happiness, but it's not! It's taking away freedom, and therefore not allowing people to FREELY CHOOSE what they will do with their life- part of being free to pursue our own happiness is taking responsibility for our own lives, choosing what we will make of our own lives. The government is trying to make everyone happy, but the problem with that is not everyone's idea of happiness is the same, but the government will try to make everyone the same. I think the government thinks that having equality means being the exact same as each other. This isn't true, being equal is where everyone can choose to be different; they can choose to work, learn and live, or to sit, do nothing, learn nothing and be nothing, but this also means everyone is responsible for their own life. The government is supposed to make sure no one gets in the way of your choice of life style (as long as your choice of lifestyle doesn't interfere with anothers life). So if you're one of those people who chooses to do nothing, don't make those who would make something of their life pay for your life, or lack thereof.

Just Need to Vent

I know, I know, I complain too much. But I'm really trying to keep a smile on my face, and to be okay right now, it's not as easy as it sounds, so I need a little venting time.
I don't know if anybody who reads this has seen the movie, "The Holiday", kind of a stupid movie, the only good parts in that movie are the parts that focus on the character Iris, who is played my Kate Winslet, anyway rambling, I'll get to the point. Iris is talking to this older gentleman, who used to be a Movie director, about how she was hurt by this one man. The gentleman tells her that in the movies there's the leading lady and then the friend, and that Iris has been playing the part of the friend, when she is really the leading lady. Then Iris says, "You're right, you should be the leading lady in your own life." or something along those lines. Anyway if I were in a movie I'd be "the friend," and that's exactly what I've been my whole life; the friend, sidekick, a background person, just space filler. I have always been that, and I am still that. I just wish for once that a guy would really sincerely be interested in me, not a guy who is kind of stalkerish, and not a guy who'll not worry about my mental health just for having a hard time with compliments, and who'll treat me like a little kid just because I'm shy.
I honestly am jealous of a friend of mine, I shouldn't be, but I am. She has all of these guys who like her, and ask her out, and flirt with her. I feel disgusting next to her. Perhaps I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. She is a really good friend, and I love her, but it's getting harder and harder to be around her, because I see all that I am not, and all that I will never have, or rather who I will never have, because the guys see her and not me. It's frustrating. Right now I'm hurting a lot, because of something I found out, and I'm trying to get over it, and just move on, but it's really hard to. I really am thinking I might need to leave my singles branch. Maybe I'm just being a big baby, and really selfish. :(

Life is full of surprises

Ahhhhh! So this evening mine and my sisters home teacher came over. All day long we had this soup/stew dish cooking in the crock-pot. It's a dish Melissa makes every now and then. It's a delicious dish, but it smells up the whole house. It's got cabbage in it, and so it smells like a bunch of people were in the house who need to take bean-o. I already worry about the house smelling because we have two dogs and a cat. But according to my dad it smelled horrible when he walked into the house. He almost asked who had been farting, but then saw our home teacher sitting there. So it probably looked like Melissa and I were just sitting around watching movies and farting!!! If life isn't frustrating enough, it has to throw something like this into the mix. And if that wasn't enough the whole time our home teacher was here all I could really do (all I ever really do) is sit there smiling and nodding my head, not knowing what to say. I always feel like a blank person around others. I never know what to say to people. I think everyone who knows me or has ever met me must think I am a big, blank, nobody. Blah!
Oh well.
Anyway my grandpa and my aunt Linda are over here, and nearly every time they come over they ask about this book Melissa had used (while we lived at their house) for a class project, Melissa remembers putting it back, but they apparently don't have it. The thing is they have a very messy house, it could be anywhere, and they wouldn't know it, because they have piles of junk everywhere in that house. Now they are saying that there is another book, that apparently my dad took, that they want, my dad dosen't remember taking it at all. And now my Grandpa is belittling my dad about some names we have, whose Temple work has not been fully completed yet. My dad misunderstood things, and my grandpa feels the need to act like a git. Okay, I guess calling him a git is a little harsh, but he isn't being the most delightful person. Perhaps in his old age he feels the need to criticize, though according to my dad he was always like that growing up, infact worse. I have a delightful family.
This morning I went to the store, to try to find dog diapers, because our dog Maggie is on her doggie period. I couldn't find any at the two stores I went to. But I stopped in at the plant section at Wal-mart, and it was so nice to be around plants. I love plants. I wish I could actually keep them alive. The last of my plants died about a week ago, that I had from my home and garden class a few years ago. I guess three years is a record for me. :P I'm excited for Spring, I really want to be around living, growing things!
Anyway I guess I'm all over the place with this post, and talking about some pretty base things. Well I think I'm going to get ready for bed.

Today is my counseling appointment. My heart is pounding just thinking about it. :S

Right now I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, but sometimes it feels to hard to try and not be. This past week has not been a good one for me. For most of the week I stayed home, not feeling well; not just because of the depression, I've been having headaches a lot lately too. I am going to visit a councilor this week, which I hope helps. But even with that I feel dread. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, I can learn to be happy and enjoy life, and then it's like a big wave of fear and hopelessnes hits me. It reminds me of this time when my family had a reunion out in California. One of my Aunts and I were walking out of the ocean and back up to the beach when a wave hit us and pushed us under. Neither of us could get back up, because the waves just kept coming, it was pretty scary. I feel like that right now, except for a few moments where I can peek my head up, I feel like I am drowning and that there is no way back up. I try to feel positive and to tell myself to just keep going, but it's really hard.
I feel like a horrible person, because I'm not really talking to anyone right now, not just because of not wanting to talk to anyone, but because I forget to call them back if they call me. I should be out doing my calling, helping other people, but I either get to anxious about doing it, or I forget. My head is fuzy again. I mean my memory has never been the greatest, but when I am depressed I feel like my head is full of fog, and I can hardly remember what happened from one day to the next, let alone contact anyone. Everything just runs together.
You know what really sucks right now? The past few years I've been pushing myself to be more outgoing and to talk to people, to make friends. But on the whole I still feel invisible and unimportant. My whole life I've actually tried pushing myself to be better, to face my fears. But I feel worse off now, even after trying so hard to get better. I feel like a loser. I feel in the way. I've met people who were important to me, but I don't think that I'll ever be important to anybody else. No matter how hard I try I think I'll just always be in other peoples way.
You know what I wish for? I wish that people actually respected me, took me seriously. I feel like people either see me as a joke, or as a little stupid child that they need to baby. I know people often try to be nice to me because I'm shy, but the way they do it comes across as demeaning and patronizing. As though I couldn't understand the "big adult" conversation going on, or as if I couldn't understand a joke, so they have to explain to me that they're joking. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of not being able to speak well enough, always stumbling over my words. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of being treated like a child, and therfore feeling like one. I'm tired of people looking at me with pity. I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. I'm tired of being the ugly one. I'm tired of being the nerdy nobody. I am tired of feeling like a puzzle piece placed in the wrong puzzle box. I'm tired of feeling unnecisary. When I feel like this I definitely don't want to be around people, not just because of the stress, but because I don't want to be the party-pooper. I don't want to annoy everyone else with how low I feel. It's better to hide then to be out there being everything you don't want to be and annoying everyone you meet in the process.
.....
Anyway on the plus side I have continued taking daily pictures. I just need to actually get my pictures developed.
I wonder if I'll ever be important enough to be noticed and listened to, if I'll ever be able to find the words I want to say, and to just say them.