Complications- me no likey!

So the guy thinks because I don't like compliments that I have mental health problems, so he had to re-evaluate our friendship. He decided to compromise with me though! Ahhh!!! I tried to be polite about things and to think even more about the changes I do need to make, not for him, but just to be an emotionally happier and healthier person. I've already known how I need to change, and I've been working on it pretty much my whole life, but I realized I do need to try harder. I spoke with my Branch President about all of this, which helped calm me down, and to appreciate the guy a bit more- I mean I already understood where he was coming from, and I knew he wasn't trying to be mean about it, but it had been kind of a slap in the face the way he talked to me about it. President helped me to focus on his intentions a little more. But he told me that he too was concerned by some of the things he said to me and so he told me to be careful with him and to probably talk to him about it. So I'm going to try to find a time to sit down and talk with him, but I'm so nervous- I have such a hard time in situations like these, to form my words, and my thoughts, properly, so that I can coherently, and respectfully, explain myself. I don't want it to turn into a situation where either of us feels put down or misunderstood or disrespected. I would like both of us to listen, and learn. I don't think that there will be anything between us other than friendship, and I will need to somehow tell him that too- I don't know if that's all he's planning on anyway, or if he's looking for more, at least now at this point. But if he is wanting more, and I tell him it can't go beyond friendship I think he'll just end all of it, which will be sad, but I'd understand. It's just the more I get to know him, the more I feel that it wouldn't be able to work out- we'd both be worried about past things recurring, and I think we'd be butting heads a lot, both feeling that we couldn't just be ourselves around the other person. Anyway I'm so tired right now with all that's going on this week-work, school, church, family things, and the guy thing. I think I slept wrong too, because I have a huge headache, though I think it's gone down slightly, but it's been making me queezy, and I haven't been able to think very straight or concentrate well today. Anyway I need to get back to work now.

compliments

So I am probably one of the oddest ducks out there. I hate compliments!! They drive me crazy! When someone compliments me I feel even worse about myself, and I feel suspicious; I start worrying that maybe they are really making fun of me, or whatever. Well the guy that I previously wrote about has complimented me a few times, and each time I never knew what to say, and I just felt stupid because of them. He's a pretty upfront guy so I decided last night to be upfront with him and to tell him to stop complimenting me-I think I came across not only as a loony, but also as a jerk. AHHH! I need to get my head screwed on straight. I need to figure out how to at least graciously accept compliments, even if I don't believe them. Anyway I feel tired, and my neck hurts, I didn't sleep well last night, and so my head is foggy, and I am extremely tense! I just want to go back to bed and sleep until next week! :( Okay, okay, I'm going to focus on the positive- I think an individual can choose to be positive, and I'm going to choose to be so!! I'm going to be happy and enjoy today- school has started and I'm going to have fun with it, and the next time I talk to "The Guy" I'm going to be nice and positive towards him. I'm not even going to mention the compliment thing.

Could Not Sleep Last Night

So yesterday evening we had Carianne's going away party at Marci's- it was fun, though I admit I ended up texting the guy a lot during it, which I feel bad about. There were some good laughs with everyone though. I really enjoy the people I work with. I'm going to miss Carianne, but I know she's going to have a blast, and do awesome in Russia!
Anyway I ended up going to bed around 11 pm last night, which is pretty early for me, I was exhausted! But then I ended up waking up early in the morning and could not fall asleep, I was tossing and turning and was just plain uncomfortable. When I finally did fall asleep I was still tossing and turning, never fully asleep. So when my alarm went off at 7:30 my head was hurting, so I thought, okay I'm just sleeping for a little while longer. Then the next thing I knew my mom came downstairs and was asking us if we were going to go help clean the church building. I was partly asleep and part awake, and I think I was saying yes I was, but I was so exhausted, I just wanted to sleep a little longer. (side note, this month is our singles' branch's turn to clean the church building-it was supposed to be at 9 in the morning.) Well the next thing I knew I was waking up again and I believe it was 10:30! At that point I should have gotten up and gotten ready and gone over, just to see if they needed any help, but I thought they are probably done by now, and then I just layed there and started stressing about the guy. I feel horrible- I may drive by the churh, because I started thinking that there might not have been a big turn up of people, so if that's the case it would take them a long time. I do believe that more people would be available to clean the church later on Saturday than in the morning, but I still need to make more of an effort to help out. :S So this is the selfish, but repentant, Olive signing off. :)

GUYS

Can I just say that guys stress me out!!
The past little while I've realized how absolutely terrified of relationships I am- I am petrified of being in a relationship with a guy. There is this guy who pretty much just popped up into my life recently, and while I'm enjoying getting to know him, and he is very sweet, I get hit with these anxieties every now and then. Today is one of those moments.
I've felt like I am opening up to him, getting a little more comfortable, especially since most of our communication has been through text. But then today, BAM! I get hit with this fear; a fear of him, a fear of not really knowing what's going on, a fear that I'm screwing something up, what I don't know. I fear the idea of being with someone, being attached to someone. I've never learned how to be a part of someone else's life. I mean I've made friends with others, but it never lasted long, and the friendships remained more on the surface, only recently have I begun to make a few friends that I am pretty close with. Mostly in my life it's been just me (aside from my family, though there are some family members I've never entirely gotten that close with). Basically all I've had to worry about is me- I mean I care about others, and I've tried to help people and all, I enjoy that, but I have not really had to worry worry about someone else. As much as I have craved contact with others, I am very terrified of it.
I think I am a walking oxymoron! I can be open with people, I'll share things with people that afterwords I'm like, 'why did I say that?'. At the same time I am a very closed off person-I don't offer my trust to people, I am rather suspicious of just about everyone. I rarely put my self out there for someone else, if that makes sense. I'd be willing to die for a stranger, or give any money I had on me to someone who needs it, but it's nearly impossible for me to make a fool out of myself for someone I know and care about. I love to laugh, but I'm afraid to. I want a relationship, but I don't. I think that there is something wrong with me.
I keep feeling that I will never be able to be in a relationship with any guy. It's one thing to be attracted to someone or to even just be friends with them, and to chat, but it is an entirely different thing to be committed to someone. Growing up I'd daydream about getting married and having kids, well even now that's been a daydream of mine, but reality is setting in, and I don't think I'm good enough to do any of it!!! I was thinking when I first met him that yeah, I can be friends with him, and I can learn something from this, I can enjoy getting better at this whole interacting with people thing, but I feel out of place, I don't know how to do this!!! I mean even if this guy who has popped into my life right now just remains a friend, he's gotten me thinking about things, really thinking about things like I never have before.
My whole life I've been rather self-centered I guess, basically because of my fears, but still the end result is just as bad if I were the kind of self-centered person who believed the world actually revolved around me, which I don't. But I still focus on myself, and I am filled with fear and I don't know what I want, or what to do. Part of me wants to know what to say or do to get this guy to think, okay not interested anymore, and to run off, so then I can get it all over with now. I don't know if I'm up for anything long and drawn out that ends with him saying, well I met someone, thanks for texting me and keeping me busy and entertaining me, bye. But neither do I think I'm up for anything serious.
Anyway despite all of this I'm not giving up, I just need to vent. I really do hope that I don't do anything to hurt, or disappoint this guy- I don't really know what he's looking for, and whatever he's looking for I don't know if I can offer him it. I don't even know why he's even remotely interested in me! It's not like I've said anything really amazing or funny, or am this drop dead gorgeous girl, or do anything interesting. I'm plain, shy, and ordinary! Sometimes I wish life wasn't so complicated and that I could just know exactly what to do and say. :s Anyway I'm done rambling about my craziness.

Yellow Stone

So last week my singles branch went to Yellow Stone. It was a lot of fun, but exhausting! It's good to be back. A couple of my friends would tease me about bear attacks, because I am terrified about bear, mountain lion, tiger, shark, any kind of wild animal, attacks. It actually helped me though, making it into a joke helped take away the fear of it, so I was able to just enjoy being there with friends, and I feel I got to know others a little better too. I was able to laugh and joke with people more than I normally do. Now I will never look at e-mails, Joyce's neck, and the song "Barbara Anne" the same way again.

Angel Falls

Angel Falls is in Venezuela, along the border near Brazil. It is the highest waterfall in the world, reaching 3,212 ft. It is so tall that the wind causes the water to atomize before it reaches the bottom, so it becomes mist. This mist can be felt a mile away from the falls. In the Pemon language the falls are called, Parakupa-vena and/or Kerepakupai meru, which means the fall from the highest point, and water fall of the deepest place.
Though he did not publicize it, Ernesto Sanchez La Cruz spotted the falls in 1912. But it wasn't until 1933 when Jimmie Angel flew over the falls that they became known to the outside world. He went back in 1937 and tried landing his plane at the top, but the wheels sunk into the mud and they were unable to get it out. He, his wife and 2 other companions had to descend the falls on foot- it took them 11 days to get to civilzation. Their adventure was heard of, and the falls were then named after him. Angels plane stayed on the mountain top for 33 years, until it was pulled off by a helicopter and restored.
The river that feeds into the falls is known by two different names; the Pemon name is Kerep. It was also given a Latvian name, Gauja, by a Latvian exploirer, Aleksandrs Laime. There is a trail that Laime created from the river to the base of the falls, and along the trail is a veiwpoint that many people take pictures of the falls from; it is called "Mirador Laime", which in spanish means, Laime's viewpoint.
Though the falls are a huge tourist attraction they are in the center of an isolated jungle, so they are not easy to get to. People can take a flight tour over the falls, but if it is cloudy it is impossible to see the falls. From June to December, is the season for boat trips, when the river will be deep enough for the Indian guides to take tourist up the river. From December to March is the dry season, and though there is less water, it will also be less likely to be cloudy.
How amazing would it be to see that?? So many places to go, so little time! (Information from wikipedia.)

SOUNDS

So yesterday I was looking at these pictures of destinations, and I made a list of them, because I'd like to learn more about them. The first place on my list is Milford Sound, which is in New Zealand. I admit that I had no idea what a sound was and so I decided to look it up. A sound is kind of like a channel, and is usually a large, open area of water, with land on either side. It is less protected than a bay, which is surrounded by land on three sides. A sound also tends to be deeper than a bay. The term "sound" comes from an Old English word, which means "to swim". So it is suggested that a person may possibly be able to swim accross a sound.
Milford Sound is named after Milford Haven, a natural harbour in Wales. Sheer rock faces rise out of the water on either side of the sound, and there is a lot of rain forest growth on the cliff walls. Milford Sound is one of the wettest places in the world, creating many large permanant waterfalls, and some temporary smaller ones. It is said that some of the smaller waterfalls are so high and never reach the bottom of the sound; they are carried away on the wind. Because of the amount of rainfall that occurs there, often the growth is carried away, causing tree avalanches in the sound.
There is an underwater observitory in one of the sounds bays, which allows tourists to see the black coral that grows there. Black coral is usually only found in deeper waters, but because of fresh water that is stained by tannins from the forest, the coral is allowed to grow closer to the surface in that area.
I definitely would love to go vist this place one day. Rudyard Kipling called Milford Sound the eighth Wonder of the World.
My information came from wikipedia and wisegeek.com.

So I got this white dress the other day. I went with my friend to the mall, and as we looked around I saw this beautiful dress which I immediately fell in love with. But often I will fall in love with a dress, shirt, or whatever, when I see it hanging on the hanger, but when I put it on it suddenly looks horrible. But I liked it on me too! I just need to find a shirt to wear on under it, and it will be perfect. I'm excited to wear it. I don't often find things that I like and feel pretty in, it takes a lot for me to feel even slightly pretty, so I'm excited about this. I just hope that when I actually do get to wear it that I won't suddenly feel ugly, like a chicken trying to wear peacock feathers-I tend to feel like that, as if everyone knows I'm trying to pretend to be something I'm not. Okay I'm going to stop thinking like that!!