TSA Breast Milk Screening Harassment Updated

I am outraged at what the TSA is doing! They have no right to do this, and yet are forcing it upon innocent people. This mother was blatantly harassed!

A Helping Hand

Tonight my sister, Melissa, and I went to the store to get rootbeer. But the rootbeer was all the way at the back of the upper shelf. I tried stepping up on the lower shelf to reach it, and then when they saw our dilemma this couple helped us by getting this wooden thing to help us reach the soda and pull it towards us. I know it may sound silly to write about this, but I decided that I want to focus on positive things that happen around me. Tonight made me apprecieate the good in people, and I felt happy to recognize that goodness. I want to learn to be positive. So from big to small I am going to watch out for and record these moments of kindness.

ST John 10

In St. John 10 the Lord is talking about being the Good Shepherd, he speaks about his atonement. Verse 10 he talks about how he comes to bring life, that we might have it more abundantly. Verse 11 he says the Good Shepherd gives his life for the sheep. Verse 14 He says he knows his sheep and is known by them. Verse 15 he says, "I lay down my life for the sheep." Verse 18 He says that he lays it down himself. There is a lot more in this whole chapter, but these stood out to me. I feel in reading these verses I can get a little clearer picture of who the Lord is. He is very loving, willing to sacrifice himself for us that we may have a life, not only that but that we might have it more abundantly. He knows us personally he's not just doing some random thing for strangers, He is trying to help those He loves, and he loves all of us, so he's trying to help all of us! Because he knows us, he knows how to help each of us individually. Not only this but he keeps saying he is the Good Shepherd, and the shepherd genuinely cares for his sheep, so he's not going to abandon us when bad things happen; he hasn't been hired to care for us, we are his, so he wants to care for us! He chooses to lay his life down for us, no one just takes if from him.
The Lord chose to die for us. He faced death, pain and suffering by his own choice, for us! Easter is a time to remember our Savior, to remember our brother and Good Shepherd, who is here to save us, to redeem us. He hasn't forgotten us, he never will.

Jesus Christ

Today is Palm Sunday, and this is the week of the Last Supper, and when Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, and was hung on the Christ and died for us. He rose from the dead and lives for us. It's a sacred week, because it is the week of the Atonement. The Lord loves us; his desire is to help us return home and to have joy. I had never really thought about what this week meant before, Easter really was just a holiday to me. I mean I knew it was the day of the Lords resurrection, but the meaning of it never hit me until today when one of the sisters in the Branch, Beth, bore her testimony and talked about what occurred during this week, during the time of Christ. I've realized how sacred this time is, and I feel more appreciation for Easter time, for the Lord. After church I went on a little drive and took pictures of the sunset, and I felt very close to the Lord; grateful for his creations, for his love, and his help throughout my life. I felt like that moment was just between me and the Lord. The sunset was beautiful, it looked as I felt in my heart. I want to try to focus on the Lord and His atonement this week.

We the people need to do something, our government is getting out of control, they are power hungry, and are slowly chipping away at our freedom; actually they don't seem to be going that slow anymore, in fact they seem to have picked up speed. This isn't a game, it's not being dramatic or silly to say, STOP! Look around at what is happening! Look at history, look at other governments around the world, look at what ours is becoming. You'll see that what is happening to our very own isn't much different than what has happened to other governments, past and present. Ours has been the most successful government, because the power has been in the hands of the people, because the people have had freedom and liberty. But with the government taking more and more power we are putting ourselves in a worse and more hazardous situation. The health care bill that was passed is just one step towards loss of freedom and liberty. Nancy Pelosi talked about this bill as being a part of helping with the pursuit of happiness, but it's not! It's taking away freedom, and therefore not allowing people to FREELY CHOOSE what they will do with their life- part of being free to pursue our own happiness is taking responsibility for our own lives, choosing what we will make of our own lives. The government is trying to make everyone happy, but the problem with that is not everyone's idea of happiness is the same, but the government will try to make everyone the same. I think the government thinks that having equality means being the exact same as each other. This isn't true, being equal is where everyone can choose to be different; they can choose to work, learn and live, or to sit, do nothing, learn nothing and be nothing, but this also means everyone is responsible for their own life. The government is supposed to make sure no one gets in the way of your choice of life style (as long as your choice of lifestyle doesn't interfere with anothers life). So if you're one of those people who chooses to do nothing, don't make those who would make something of their life pay for your life, or lack thereof.

Just Need to Vent

I know, I know, I complain too much. But I'm really trying to keep a smile on my face, and to be okay right now, it's not as easy as it sounds, so I need a little venting time.
I don't know if anybody who reads this has seen the movie, "The Holiday", kind of a stupid movie, the only good parts in that movie are the parts that focus on the character Iris, who is played my Kate Winslet, anyway rambling, I'll get to the point. Iris is talking to this older gentleman, who used to be a Movie director, about how she was hurt by this one man. The gentleman tells her that in the movies there's the leading lady and then the friend, and that Iris has been playing the part of the friend, when she is really the leading lady. Then Iris says, "You're right, you should be the leading lady in your own life." or something along those lines. Anyway if I were in a movie I'd be "the friend," and that's exactly what I've been my whole life; the friend, sidekick, a background person, just space filler. I have always been that, and I am still that. I just wish for once that a guy would really sincerely be interested in me, not a guy who is kind of stalkerish, and not a guy who'll not worry about my mental health just for having a hard time with compliments, and who'll treat me like a little kid just because I'm shy.
I honestly am jealous of a friend of mine, I shouldn't be, but I am. She has all of these guys who like her, and ask her out, and flirt with her. I feel disgusting next to her. Perhaps I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. She is a really good friend, and I love her, but it's getting harder and harder to be around her, because I see all that I am not, and all that I will never have, or rather who I will never have, because the guys see her and not me. It's frustrating. Right now I'm hurting a lot, because of something I found out, and I'm trying to get over it, and just move on, but it's really hard to. I really am thinking I might need to leave my singles branch. Maybe I'm just being a big baby, and really selfish. :(

Life is full of surprises

Ahhhhh! So this evening mine and my sisters home teacher came over. All day long we had this soup/stew dish cooking in the crock-pot. It's a dish Melissa makes every now and then. It's a delicious dish, but it smells up the whole house. It's got cabbage in it, and so it smells like a bunch of people were in the house who need to take bean-o. I already worry about the house smelling because we have two dogs and a cat. But according to my dad it smelled horrible when he walked into the house. He almost asked who had been farting, but then saw our home teacher sitting there. So it probably looked like Melissa and I were just sitting around watching movies and farting!!! If life isn't frustrating enough, it has to throw something like this into the mix. And if that wasn't enough the whole time our home teacher was here all I could really do (all I ever really do) is sit there smiling and nodding my head, not knowing what to say. I always feel like a blank person around others. I never know what to say to people. I think everyone who knows me or has ever met me must think I am a big, blank, nobody. Blah!
Oh well.
Anyway my grandpa and my aunt Linda are over here, and nearly every time they come over they ask about this book Melissa had used (while we lived at their house) for a class project, Melissa remembers putting it back, but they apparently don't have it. The thing is they have a very messy house, it could be anywhere, and they wouldn't know it, because they have piles of junk everywhere in that house. Now they are saying that there is another book, that apparently my dad took, that they want, my dad dosen't remember taking it at all. And now my Grandpa is belittling my dad about some names we have, whose Temple work has not been fully completed yet. My dad misunderstood things, and my grandpa feels the need to act like a git. Okay, I guess calling him a git is a little harsh, but he isn't being the most delightful person. Perhaps in his old age he feels the need to criticize, though according to my dad he was always like that growing up, infact worse. I have a delightful family.
This morning I went to the store, to try to find dog diapers, because our dog Maggie is on her doggie period. I couldn't find any at the two stores I went to. But I stopped in at the plant section at Wal-mart, and it was so nice to be around plants. I love plants. I wish I could actually keep them alive. The last of my plants died about a week ago, that I had from my home and garden class a few years ago. I guess three years is a record for me. :P I'm excited for Spring, I really want to be around living, growing things!
Anyway I guess I'm all over the place with this post, and talking about some pretty base things. Well I think I'm going to get ready for bed.

Today is my counseling appointment. My heart is pounding just thinking about it. :S

Right now I'm trying really hard to not be depressed, but sometimes it feels to hard to try and not be. This past week has not been a good one for me. For most of the week I stayed home, not feeling well; not just because of the depression, I've been having headaches a lot lately too. I am going to visit a councilor this week, which I hope helps. But even with that I feel dread. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, I can learn to be happy and enjoy life, and then it's like a big wave of fear and hopelessnes hits me. It reminds me of this time when my family had a reunion out in California. One of my Aunts and I were walking out of the ocean and back up to the beach when a wave hit us and pushed us under. Neither of us could get back up, because the waves just kept coming, it was pretty scary. I feel like that right now, except for a few moments where I can peek my head up, I feel like I am drowning and that there is no way back up. I try to feel positive and to tell myself to just keep going, but it's really hard.
I feel like a horrible person, because I'm not really talking to anyone right now, not just because of not wanting to talk to anyone, but because I forget to call them back if they call me. I should be out doing my calling, helping other people, but I either get to anxious about doing it, or I forget. My head is fuzy again. I mean my memory has never been the greatest, but when I am depressed I feel like my head is full of fog, and I can hardly remember what happened from one day to the next, let alone contact anyone. Everything just runs together.
You know what really sucks right now? The past few years I've been pushing myself to be more outgoing and to talk to people, to make friends. But on the whole I still feel invisible and unimportant. My whole life I've actually tried pushing myself to be better, to face my fears. But I feel worse off now, even after trying so hard to get better. I feel like a loser. I feel in the way. I've met people who were important to me, but I don't think that I'll ever be important to anybody else. No matter how hard I try I think I'll just always be in other peoples way.
You know what I wish for? I wish that people actually respected me, took me seriously. I feel like people either see me as a joke, or as a little stupid child that they need to baby. I know people often try to be nice to me because I'm shy, but the way they do it comes across as demeaning and patronizing. As though I couldn't understand the "big adult" conversation going on, or as if I couldn't understand a joke, so they have to explain to me that they're joking. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of not being able to speak well enough, always stumbling over my words. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I'm tired of being treated like a child, and therfore feeling like one. I'm tired of people looking at me with pity. I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. I'm tired of being the ugly one. I'm tired of being the nerdy nobody. I am tired of feeling like a puzzle piece placed in the wrong puzzle box. I'm tired of feeling unnecisary. When I feel like this I definitely don't want to be around people, not just because of the stress, but because I don't want to be the party-pooper. I don't want to annoy everyone else with how low I feel. It's better to hide then to be out there being everything you don't want to be and annoying everyone you meet in the process.
.....
Anyway on the plus side I have continued taking daily pictures. I just need to actually get my pictures developed.
I wonder if I'll ever be important enough to be noticed and listened to, if I'll ever be able to find the words I want to say, and to just say them.

How things are coming along

So I haven't been able to develop any of the pictures, but so far this year I've taken pictures daily. Wootwoot! I mean I know I'm only 6 days into the year and all, but it's pretty awesome that I'm remembering to take the pictures. I'm trying to keep track of what I take pictures of each day so I don't get all confused about what is what. I'm going to try to develop my film soon and post the pictures online. I don't want to wait until the end of the year to post all of my pictures.
Anyway as for other things in my life right now I'm trying to debate whether or not to go to school this semester. I need to find out if I'll be able to get financial aid again, if I stop going this semester, even though I won't have moved onto being a Jr. I had heard, and may be wrong, that in order to get financial aid each year you need to have progressed a year- so if you are a freshman, to get financial aid again the next year you'll have needed to become a sophomore. If that's true than I don't know if I can just stop going, unless I find an excellent job that pays well so I can save up the money for school next fall, which is when I plan on going back to school. I just feel that I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know what I want to be, so I feel like I'm going no where in school, not working towards anything really, and none of the classes at the University I'm attending seem interesting enough, I'm dreading each day, and feeling like such a loser. I really am not interested in any of the classes I'm signed up for, well except one class, which I realized I can't do right now, so with that one gone I feel like there is no point to my going to school right now. I just don't know what good it'll do. I'm thinking that if I drop out right now, I may go to a different university next year; depending on what classes and opportunities other universities have to offer. I don't know if I'm making any sense or if this all sounds jumbled, but I need to get things off my chest. I've been feeling so depressed lately, overwhelmingly so, and I feel stuck. I hate feeling like I'm going no where in life, but just running around in circles. I hate seeing people so passionate about what they want to do in life and I have no clue what to do with mine. Why? I have many interests, but I don't know which one to pick, and I don't feel passionate about them, at least not as much as others seem to be about their interests. I think I'd enjoy having many hobbies, but I don't think I'd really want to make any of them careers. And some of the ideas I have for careers I don't know if I really want to do them, or if I could even physically be capable of doing them. For instance I've been thinking lately of being a physical therapist, but I don't know if my body could handle that; my joints, especially my wrists are hurting more and more, so I don't think that I'd be capable of that kind of work. I think I'd do more damage to myself, and end up in a wheelchair needing physical therapy myself! Same thing with becoming a massage therapist.
I had thought about other things, and none of them seem to hold much excitement or joy for me. I've begun to wonder if there is anything at all that I could do that would make me happy, I don't care if I make a lot of money with it, I just want to enjoy what I do. But if there is nothing that I can do I feel like I'm just a pointless and useless nobody. Just a waste of space. I hate that feeling. Blah! :(

An Idea

So I have an idea forming. It's kind of inspired by two different people; a photographer Jim Brandenburg and a blogger, Stephanie Nielson (NieNie). Jim is an amazing photographer who lives in Minnesota, and he did this book (which I don't have yet) called, "Chased by the Light", where he only shot one photograph per day for three months, from the autumnal equinox to the winter solstice. Another book he did, which I do have is called "Looking for the Summer", a very beautiful book! In this book he took more than one photo and chose the best one to represent each day of summer.
Stephanie, as I said is a blogger, though I'd say she is a photographer too, and a pretty awesome one at that! She is amazing, and has inspired me many times before with her words, and story. Anyway she is starting a blog based off of a book called, " '3191~A Year of Mornings", where two women, who were friends, but in different areas, each took a photograph of their morning, something to represent it. So Stephanie is doing something like that with a friend of her's who lives in Germany. I just read about it and decided that I want to do something similar to both of these things. I won't do this with a friend, because honestly I don't have time to find someone who will do it with me, but I want to photograph each day of my life for a year. I won't be able to do just one photograph a day like Jim, so I'll do multiple and then pick the best one to post. Since I have a film camera I won't be able to post pictures daily- though I may on some of them use my sisters digital camera, so I can post sooner.
Maybe in taking time to look at the small and simple things that make up my life I'll learn to appreciate my life a little more. The trouble will be to remember to take a picture- I'll need to remember to take my camera with me everywhere I go! :) I think this will be fun, and will end up being a photographic journal, since I'm not very good at keeping a written one. Sometimes words fail and pictures say everything.
I took some photo's tonight of random things, but I may try to take a picture of something that represents the first day of the New Year for me. I think this will require me to think a bit more outside the box. Hmmm..... :)