Don't really want to write

I don't really want to post anything in here. But I haven't written in here for awhile and felt I should write something. I am watching world news right now, and hearing the guy talk makes me want to laugh. I can't see how this guy can keep a straight face while hearing himself talk.
It sounds like he's toned down a bit; maybe someone passed him a note telling him he sounded ridiculous.
You know sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the comforts of home, and you forget that there is so much horror going on outside. I wish I could make things better.

Inca Religion

So I was interested in learning more about the Inca of the "Virgin of the Sun's". But I haven't really been able to find anything specifically on it yet. I did find out that the Inca worshiped Wiraqocha, Sun God. Their King was considered to be the Only Son of the Sun. Inti Raymi was their sun festival held every June 21, winter solstice in the southern hemisphere. In Andean mythology the Inca were descendants of the Sun, so they would worship it annually. This celebration was at the end of their potato and maize harvest, to either thank the Sun for their bounty, or to ask for more in their next crops. Days before the ceremony the whole population had to practice fast and sexual abstinence. At sunrise the people would greet the Sun God with the "much'ay", kisses offered symbolically with the fingertips. Then they would sing solemn songs, which would then turn into weepy, emotional songs. Then the Inca King would take two golden ceremonial tumblers, both filled with maize beer. One he would pour into a golden channel for the Sun God, the other he would sip, then the remaining would be sipped by the noblemen who were with him. Then later maize beer would be offered to everyone else in attendance. Then the High Priest would sacrifice a completely black, or completely white llama- (I have to say this is a bit disgusting) He would cut open the chest and rip out the beating heart and the lungs and viscera to foretell the future. Then the High Priest would take this concave gold medallion filled with this soft or oily substance, that I guess when he held it up in the light the rays would go in and catch the substance on fire. This sacred fire would then be kept during the next year in the Koricancha and Aqllawasi. Then Holy bread was made with maze flour and the blood of the llama. Then after the ceremonies were done the people would be entertained with music, dancing and drink, lots of drink.
Later it talked about crime, and it mentioned Sun Virgins. How it would be a crime to commit adultery with a Sun Virgin. Those who committed the crime were tied up to a wall by their hands and feet and left to starve to death. I wonder if Sun Virgins were some type of priestesses or something, and if they are connected to "Virgin of the Suns". Hmmm...perhaps I'll never know. Dangit, I hate not knowing. :S Oh well.

Machu Picchu continued

So I was reading more about Machu Picchu. I had originally just read information on it on the wikipedia website, but today I went to http://www.peru-machu-picchu.com/ to learn a little bit more about it. I haven't gotten too much more, but I'll add what I got. First off I should add that Machu Picchu is in Peru, I forgot to write that in my last post.
Machu Picchu is 7,000 feet above sea level. It is on top of a small hill resting between the Andean Mountain range. It it separated into three areas: agricultural, urban, and religious. The aqueducts and terraces work well with the natural slopes. The lower area is where the farmers and teachers live. At the top of the hill are where most of the important religious buildings are, looking over the Urubamba valley below.

Machu Picchu

Pronounced Ma-ch-u Pick-ch-u. It means "Old Peak". Machu Picchu is an Inca site, which was begun in 1430 AD. The Incas abandoned it about a hundred years later, during the Spanish conquest of the Inca Empire. Ironically though there is no Spanish record stating that they ever found Machu Picchu, and therefore was never plundered and destroyed, which happened to many other Inca sites. Until 1911, when it became internationally known, it was really only the locals who were aware of it's existence.
There are many theories as to the purpose of the citadel or fortress. Some believe that it was the birthplace of the Inca of the "Virgin of the Suns". Others believe it was built as a settlement to control the economy of the conquered regions. Another theory is that it was built as a prison for those who had committed extremely terrible crimes against Inca Society.
Many archeologists are convinced it was where the Inca emperor Pachacuti dwelt. Evidence has also been given that the area was selected because it was considered sacred because of geological landmarks, such as the mountains. It is believed the mountains line up with astronomical events that would have been important to the Incas.
Another theory is that it was built as an agricultural testing site. That it was used to discover what plants could be grown there, with all the many different mini-climates caused by the location and terraces.
In 1971 about 325.92 kilometers of surrounding land was declared to be a Historical Sanctuary of Peru. In 1983 Machu Picchu was declared a World Heritage Site, and in 2007 it was voted as one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.
Anyway I am really interested in learning more about Machu Picchu and other things Inca related, but I've got to run, so I'll finish this later.

"War is what happens when language fails." -Margaret Atwood. I have to admit that right now that quote annoys me, and so I disagree. War is what happens when one group (or more than one group) decides that they WANT more ____ (you fill in the blank). It really has nothing to do with language. Greed and hate are the two main causes of war- you hate this person, because you believe that they did this, so you must get rid of them, or overpower them, so you can control them. Or you just want more power, so you'll try to get it through any means. Or you want more money, which can be translated into power. So really it comes down to power and hate. Rarely does a war happen because someone forgot to communicate something to another. Though I suppose there are always those who follow their leaders out of ignorance, because they've failed to educate themselves, and therefore help perpetuate any horrible things their tyrant wants to do. While if people were more educated, and wise they could prevent someone from taking power who would be a tyrant, and cause war.
I guess the reason I dislike that quote is because I feel Ms. Atwood is saying, if we just talked it out everything would be better, we wouldn't fight. There are evil people in the world, and no amount of talking with them will make them change their minds about what they want. Those people you have to fight; they are the real cause for war in almost every case, if not every case.

Learning to Have Confidence

I want to make the focus of this blog about things I learn, especially about confidence. I struggle with confidence, and I want to learn how to have it, to not just occasionally experience it. And I would like to record what I learn as I gain it. One thing that I recently "learned", or came to understand, from a book called "Being Happy" by Andrew Matthews, is that if we were to care for a three-month old baby, at feeding time we'd feed it. We would do this with no strings attached. We wouldn't withhold food until it did something really smart or or witty. You feed the baby because it deserves to be fed, to be loved, given care and to be given fair treatment. The baby deserves this because it is human. We are human, we may not be cute little babies, but we are human, and we deserve to be cared for. You don't have to have some special talent, or be beautiful, or smart to deserve this. If we learn to treat ourselves as we deserve to be treated, and we show people that we will accept nothing less than this, then they will treat us with respect.

Moderation

So I was thinking today how I often have lost in thought days and or scatterbrained days, and sometimes bad days. They all really come to the same thing, me being focused on me. Today has been a bad day for me. I have a Recreational Class that I thought would help me become more active, and to learn to relax and have fun. But it has become the most stressful class for me, I honestly hate it. When I go there I feel like I'm back in highschool and feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I seriously close up like I did when I was in high school. After that class is over it's like I've taken 4 steps backwards.
Well I went to get lunch at the U.B. after class and as I was leaving I saw this woman cleaning up something like spilled ketchup. It wasn't until I had passed her that I thought that maybe I should help her, but then I thought about how I had my hands full and didn't want to bother turning around and setting my stuff down; I was having a bad day after all. So I just kept walking. Well as I said I close up after that class, and when I close up I become rather self-involved, and I become thoughtless.
I realized it's okay to have bad days, and be upset about it, and it's okay to get lost in thought at times, but those bad days and lost in thought moments should not consume us. It's important to notice and care about people. I believe it's important to not become the kind of individual who thinks, "It's not my problem," "Glad it's not me," or "Sucks to be you." That's not healthy thinking or living. We want others to be concerned for us, or, at the very least, to show respect for our feelings so we should show that same courtesy to others. No we can't solve peoples problems, but we can certainly help make it easier for those individuals to bear them. So I've decided to work on being more aware of people. When I have a bad day, I'll allow myself a moderate amount of time to be upset, to vent; then I need to move on, because their are loads of people out there who are having a bad day too, and more than likely theirs is worse than mine. So here's to moderation, and looking past myself.

So I haven't written in here for awhile. I've been buys, and every time I come here and think about posting something I end up thinking that it would take too long, especially since I have nothing to say; so I'd end up thinking and thinking and thinking about what to write about, since nothing too interesting happens day to day. But I decided I needed to write something, though I have to admit I don't know what I'd write about. I'd write about why I've been busy, but it is basically just school work, and I don't think it'd be very interesting to write about how I first did this assignment and then I did this assignment, and then I did this one. And now I have this, and this, and this to do. No it's not very interesting.
It's raining today, kind of a slushy rain- it's snowing up in the mountains. The rain/slush, is very cold, my face was stinging with cold by the time I got to my class this morning. Now I am really sleepy- I can hardly keep my eyes open, I just want to curl up under my desk and take a nap- rainy days always do that to me. Also I think it looked like I wet myself because my pants got wet, but the lower half dried while I was in class, but the upper part of my pants were still damp. As I was walking across campus to work this guy looked at me like I was an idiot who didn't know how to make it to a bathroom in time. LOL :P
I think that I'm going to run and get lunch, hopefully my pants are dry enough by now that I don't look like I need to wear a diaper. :)

America

I wanted to say that I love my Country. It's not perfect, we've made some mistakes, some big ones, but for the most part we've learned from those mistakes. Taking a look at America's history we can see that if a whole country can make great changes, so can an individual.
Think about slavery- America didn't start it, but put an end to it. We moved away from the false traditions, and beliefs of our ancestors and created a new way of living, while keeping their good traditions and beliefs.
Women, for hundreds of years, were considered to be less than men, to be unintelligent, and weak. In 1920 women gained the right to vote in America, after years of many brave, and amazing women fighting for it, and suffering for it.
During WWII we put innocent Americans into camps, because their "blood brothers" in Japan attacked us. But we learned that this was wrong; when September 11, 2001 occurred we did not repeat that mistake.

America has led the world in liberty and freedom for all.

These are just a few examples of the changes that America has made. I hope that if we do need to make changes that we won't change in a way that would hinder us, but will be as progressive as the above changes were. When making changes we need to be very careful. We need to be sure that we do not deny anyone freedom, even for the sake of doing something that sounds good. We should study out the consequences of what we want to do; just because we do something with good intentions doesn't mean good will be the outcome. As America is facing some major turning points we should not rush to make a decision about anything, as good as it may seem to be. We need to slow down, and be wise, or we may undo all that our Fore Fathers, and I would add, great women, have done.
As I said above, I love America, and I will always Pledge my allegiance to this country, to the Constitution created by our Fore Fathers, and to the Freedom and Liberty of anyone, anywhere.

Feeling a little better

So we figured out why I couldn't import the video into imovie. I thought that I'd opened up a lot of space, so I didn't think that was the issue, but it was. It was because we needed to empty the trash! So that's what we did, and now we've got the space. I'm importing a video right now. Now we just have to figure out how to change the format of the dvd's that we don't still have the raw footage off, but I'm actually going to have to run to class soon, so that will have to wait.

imovie

I hate imovie right now-especially what I call the spinning techno colored ball of death-which is the equivalent of the little hourglass that pops up when it's downloading something, or taking you to another page. But this colored ball of death is more annoying than the hour glass, because it pops up randomly, and over nothing!! Then I have to sit there waiting for it to go away so I can get back to work. Everything seems to be going wrong with imovie as of late. First off I need to import video from dvd's- earlier I had imported the video from the video camera, and then burned it onto the dvd's, and then because space was limited, I had to delete the video to make room for more. Now we have to figure out how to take the dvd video, ripp it, to change the format, and import it back into imovie; everything I've tried, including HandBrake, and videomonkey, and some other one, I can't remember, have all failed. Well I may have been the one to fail at using them, but still the end result is the same. :S I also need to import video from tape into imove (which is how I did it to begin with) but imovie won't import it, no matter what I do! We have a deadline, and it's coming up soon, and we have no video!!! I don't know what to do. Right now I feel like one upset, tired, no good chica. Anyway I've got to get back to trying to figure out how to do all of this. Grrrr! :(

R.C.

So awhile ago I had this idea, to help me remember my goals, and to keep focused on what is really important to me. I can't remember what scripture I was reading, but it was about Christ and confidence. I decided my motto, or whatever you might call it would be R.C., to Remember Christ, Confidence, Charity, and Covenants. I think there was another one, but I can't remember it off the top of my head. :) Anyway I ended up asking one of the girls I work with, who was taking a jewelry class, if she could make a charm for me, which she did, it is a copper and cobalt blue charm. Then my cousin, who I had talked to about my idea, bought me a necklace, that is kind of like a locket, but it is clear and holds charms in it, and she got two initial charms with R.C. in it. So I now have two reminders, and both have a certain importance to me. It is nice in those moments when I am feeling overwhelmed and I'm wearing one of them to reach up and grab it and to remember not only who I am, but whose I am, and what I want. I think that I'm going to get something like this for some of my friends. :)

Complications- me no likey!

So the guy thinks because I don't like compliments that I have mental health problems, so he had to re-evaluate our friendship. He decided to compromise with me though! Ahhh!!! I tried to be polite about things and to think even more about the changes I do need to make, not for him, but just to be an emotionally happier and healthier person. I've already known how I need to change, and I've been working on it pretty much my whole life, but I realized I do need to try harder. I spoke with my Branch President about all of this, which helped calm me down, and to appreciate the guy a bit more- I mean I already understood where he was coming from, and I knew he wasn't trying to be mean about it, but it had been kind of a slap in the face the way he talked to me about it. President helped me to focus on his intentions a little more. But he told me that he too was concerned by some of the things he said to me and so he told me to be careful with him and to probably talk to him about it. So I'm going to try to find a time to sit down and talk with him, but I'm so nervous- I have such a hard time in situations like these, to form my words, and my thoughts, properly, so that I can coherently, and respectfully, explain myself. I don't want it to turn into a situation where either of us feels put down or misunderstood or disrespected. I would like both of us to listen, and learn. I don't think that there will be anything between us other than friendship, and I will need to somehow tell him that too- I don't know if that's all he's planning on anyway, or if he's looking for more, at least now at this point. But if he is wanting more, and I tell him it can't go beyond friendship I think he'll just end all of it, which will be sad, but I'd understand. It's just the more I get to know him, the more I feel that it wouldn't be able to work out- we'd both be worried about past things recurring, and I think we'd be butting heads a lot, both feeling that we couldn't just be ourselves around the other person. Anyway I'm so tired right now with all that's going on this week-work, school, church, family things, and the guy thing. I think I slept wrong too, because I have a huge headache, though I think it's gone down slightly, but it's been making me queezy, and I haven't been able to think very straight or concentrate well today. Anyway I need to get back to work now.

compliments

So I am probably one of the oddest ducks out there. I hate compliments!! They drive me crazy! When someone compliments me I feel even worse about myself, and I feel suspicious; I start worrying that maybe they are really making fun of me, or whatever. Well the guy that I previously wrote about has complimented me a few times, and each time I never knew what to say, and I just felt stupid because of them. He's a pretty upfront guy so I decided last night to be upfront with him and to tell him to stop complimenting me-I think I came across not only as a loony, but also as a jerk. AHHH! I need to get my head screwed on straight. I need to figure out how to at least graciously accept compliments, even if I don't believe them. Anyway I feel tired, and my neck hurts, I didn't sleep well last night, and so my head is foggy, and I am extremely tense! I just want to go back to bed and sleep until next week! :( Okay, okay, I'm going to focus on the positive- I think an individual can choose to be positive, and I'm going to choose to be so!! I'm going to be happy and enjoy today- school has started and I'm going to have fun with it, and the next time I talk to "The Guy" I'm going to be nice and positive towards him. I'm not even going to mention the compliment thing.

Could Not Sleep Last Night

So yesterday evening we had Carianne's going away party at Marci's- it was fun, though I admit I ended up texting the guy a lot during it, which I feel bad about. There were some good laughs with everyone though. I really enjoy the people I work with. I'm going to miss Carianne, but I know she's going to have a blast, and do awesome in Russia!
Anyway I ended up going to bed around 11 pm last night, which is pretty early for me, I was exhausted! But then I ended up waking up early in the morning and could not fall asleep, I was tossing and turning and was just plain uncomfortable. When I finally did fall asleep I was still tossing and turning, never fully asleep. So when my alarm went off at 7:30 my head was hurting, so I thought, okay I'm just sleeping for a little while longer. Then the next thing I knew my mom came downstairs and was asking us if we were going to go help clean the church building. I was partly asleep and part awake, and I think I was saying yes I was, but I was so exhausted, I just wanted to sleep a little longer. (side note, this month is our singles' branch's turn to clean the church building-it was supposed to be at 9 in the morning.) Well the next thing I knew I was waking up again and I believe it was 10:30! At that point I should have gotten up and gotten ready and gone over, just to see if they needed any help, but I thought they are probably done by now, and then I just layed there and started stressing about the guy. I feel horrible- I may drive by the churh, because I started thinking that there might not have been a big turn up of people, so if that's the case it would take them a long time. I do believe that more people would be available to clean the church later on Saturday than in the morning, but I still need to make more of an effort to help out. :S So this is the selfish, but repentant, Olive signing off. :)

GUYS

Can I just say that guys stress me out!!
The past little while I've realized how absolutely terrified of relationships I am- I am petrified of being in a relationship with a guy. There is this guy who pretty much just popped up into my life recently, and while I'm enjoying getting to know him, and he is very sweet, I get hit with these anxieties every now and then. Today is one of those moments.
I've felt like I am opening up to him, getting a little more comfortable, especially since most of our communication has been through text. But then today, BAM! I get hit with this fear; a fear of him, a fear of not really knowing what's going on, a fear that I'm screwing something up, what I don't know. I fear the idea of being with someone, being attached to someone. I've never learned how to be a part of someone else's life. I mean I've made friends with others, but it never lasted long, and the friendships remained more on the surface, only recently have I begun to make a few friends that I am pretty close with. Mostly in my life it's been just me (aside from my family, though there are some family members I've never entirely gotten that close with). Basically all I've had to worry about is me- I mean I care about others, and I've tried to help people and all, I enjoy that, but I have not really had to worry worry about someone else. As much as I have craved contact with others, I am very terrified of it.
I think I am a walking oxymoron! I can be open with people, I'll share things with people that afterwords I'm like, 'why did I say that?'. At the same time I am a very closed off person-I don't offer my trust to people, I am rather suspicious of just about everyone. I rarely put my self out there for someone else, if that makes sense. I'd be willing to die for a stranger, or give any money I had on me to someone who needs it, but it's nearly impossible for me to make a fool out of myself for someone I know and care about. I love to laugh, but I'm afraid to. I want a relationship, but I don't. I think that there is something wrong with me.
I keep feeling that I will never be able to be in a relationship with any guy. It's one thing to be attracted to someone or to even just be friends with them, and to chat, but it is an entirely different thing to be committed to someone. Growing up I'd daydream about getting married and having kids, well even now that's been a daydream of mine, but reality is setting in, and I don't think I'm good enough to do any of it!!! I was thinking when I first met him that yeah, I can be friends with him, and I can learn something from this, I can enjoy getting better at this whole interacting with people thing, but I feel out of place, I don't know how to do this!!! I mean even if this guy who has popped into my life right now just remains a friend, he's gotten me thinking about things, really thinking about things like I never have before.
My whole life I've been rather self-centered I guess, basically because of my fears, but still the end result is just as bad if I were the kind of self-centered person who believed the world actually revolved around me, which I don't. But I still focus on myself, and I am filled with fear and I don't know what I want, or what to do. Part of me wants to know what to say or do to get this guy to think, okay not interested anymore, and to run off, so then I can get it all over with now. I don't know if I'm up for anything long and drawn out that ends with him saying, well I met someone, thanks for texting me and keeping me busy and entertaining me, bye. But neither do I think I'm up for anything serious.
Anyway despite all of this I'm not giving up, I just need to vent. I really do hope that I don't do anything to hurt, or disappoint this guy- I don't really know what he's looking for, and whatever he's looking for I don't know if I can offer him it. I don't even know why he's even remotely interested in me! It's not like I've said anything really amazing or funny, or am this drop dead gorgeous girl, or do anything interesting. I'm plain, shy, and ordinary! Sometimes I wish life wasn't so complicated and that I could just know exactly what to do and say. :s Anyway I'm done rambling about my craziness.

Yellow Stone

So last week my singles branch went to Yellow Stone. It was a lot of fun, but exhausting! It's good to be back. A couple of my friends would tease me about bear attacks, because I am terrified about bear, mountain lion, tiger, shark, any kind of wild animal, attacks. It actually helped me though, making it into a joke helped take away the fear of it, so I was able to just enjoy being there with friends, and I feel I got to know others a little better too. I was able to laugh and joke with people more than I normally do. Now I will never look at e-mails, Joyce's neck, and the song "Barbara Anne" the same way again.

Angel Falls

Angel Falls is in Venezuela, along the border near Brazil. It is the highest waterfall in the world, reaching 3,212 ft. It is so tall that the wind causes the water to atomize before it reaches the bottom, so it becomes mist. This mist can be felt a mile away from the falls. In the Pemon language the falls are called, Parakupa-vena and/or Kerepakupai meru, which means the fall from the highest point, and water fall of the deepest place.
Though he did not publicize it, Ernesto Sanchez La Cruz spotted the falls in 1912. But it wasn't until 1933 when Jimmie Angel flew over the falls that they became known to the outside world. He went back in 1937 and tried landing his plane at the top, but the wheels sunk into the mud and they were unable to get it out. He, his wife and 2 other companions had to descend the falls on foot- it took them 11 days to get to civilzation. Their adventure was heard of, and the falls were then named after him. Angels plane stayed on the mountain top for 33 years, until it was pulled off by a helicopter and restored.
The river that feeds into the falls is known by two different names; the Pemon name is Kerep. It was also given a Latvian name, Gauja, by a Latvian exploirer, Aleksandrs Laime. There is a trail that Laime created from the river to the base of the falls, and along the trail is a veiwpoint that many people take pictures of the falls from; it is called "Mirador Laime", which in spanish means, Laime's viewpoint.
Though the falls are a huge tourist attraction they are in the center of an isolated jungle, so they are not easy to get to. People can take a flight tour over the falls, but if it is cloudy it is impossible to see the falls. From June to December, is the season for boat trips, when the river will be deep enough for the Indian guides to take tourist up the river. From December to March is the dry season, and though there is less water, it will also be less likely to be cloudy.
How amazing would it be to see that?? So many places to go, so little time! (Information from wikipedia.)

SOUNDS

So yesterday I was looking at these pictures of destinations, and I made a list of them, because I'd like to learn more about them. The first place on my list is Milford Sound, which is in New Zealand. I admit that I had no idea what a sound was and so I decided to look it up. A sound is kind of like a channel, and is usually a large, open area of water, with land on either side. It is less protected than a bay, which is surrounded by land on three sides. A sound also tends to be deeper than a bay. The term "sound" comes from an Old English word, which means "to swim". So it is suggested that a person may possibly be able to swim accross a sound.
Milford Sound is named after Milford Haven, a natural harbour in Wales. Sheer rock faces rise out of the water on either side of the sound, and there is a lot of rain forest growth on the cliff walls. Milford Sound is one of the wettest places in the world, creating many large permanant waterfalls, and some temporary smaller ones. It is said that some of the smaller waterfalls are so high and never reach the bottom of the sound; they are carried away on the wind. Because of the amount of rainfall that occurs there, often the growth is carried away, causing tree avalanches in the sound.
There is an underwater observitory in one of the sounds bays, which allows tourists to see the black coral that grows there. Black coral is usually only found in deeper waters, but because of fresh water that is stained by tannins from the forest, the coral is allowed to grow closer to the surface in that area.
I definitely would love to go vist this place one day. Rudyard Kipling called Milford Sound the eighth Wonder of the World.
My information came from wikipedia and wisegeek.com.

So I got this white dress the other day. I went with my friend to the mall, and as we looked around I saw this beautiful dress which I immediately fell in love with. But often I will fall in love with a dress, shirt, or whatever, when I see it hanging on the hanger, but when I put it on it suddenly looks horrible. But I liked it on me too! I just need to find a shirt to wear on under it, and it will be perfect. I'm excited to wear it. I don't often find things that I like and feel pretty in, it takes a lot for me to feel even slightly pretty, so I'm excited about this. I just hope that when I actually do get to wear it that I won't suddenly feel ugly, like a chicken trying to wear peacock feathers-I tend to feel like that, as if everyone knows I'm trying to pretend to be something I'm not. Okay I'm going to stop thinking like that!!

So I read some posts of NieNie's- I always feel more inspired, grateful, and just plain happier when I read her posts. I want to be that kind of person. The thing is she notices the little things and enjoys them- she delights in life and I want to do that. I want to look around me and notice what I have and appreciate it!
I love my sister Melissa who can stay up late as we discuss books and how they've touched us and helped us to see the world differently. I am grateful to her for putting up with my odd phobias and her determination to help me get over them. I love my sister Katie who I can laugh with over random words, jokes, sounds and faces; who seems to shine with an inner light and who is as stubborn, but lovable, as a...well we won't say the typical animal that is associated with stubbornness, instead we'll say, a cat. :) I love my brother John, who makes me laugh, but can also be sensitive and knows how to listen. He is a very loyal person, and intelligent. Though he can laugh and joke, and is very ticklish, he can be very quiet and inside himself.
I love good friends who help me laugh and be goofy and who also help me achieve important goals, or don't look down on my desires. Having a friend who I can wear my grungy clothes and wear a sweat band and not care how I look, and can exercise with, is awesome!! (One in particular, KatieAnne)
I love having a cousin who can laugh with me for hours over the phone and we can have multiple conversations going with each other and still understand what we're talking about. Who can delight in Creme Brule with me, who loves books, and who sets an example for me in setting goals and working hard to achieve them. (Evelyn, that's you!)
I love so many people who have touched my life, and I love the gospel, and I love Heavenly Father who is patient with me, and teaches me a little bit at a time- he knows it takes a while for things to sink in for me, and so He doesn't usually rush me, but teaches me to slow down and take my time.
I love color, and light and the look of a blank page being filled up with written words or a drawing. I love perfume. I enjoy the way my legs feel when I've just shaved them, and the feel of sand beneath my feet. I love the smell of cut grass and of rain. I love letters; hand written letters that come in the mail- texts and e-mails and whatever other kind of written communication just doesn't beat a hand written letter. I love not feeling afraid. I love the ocean, and I love the mountains. I love flowers and gardens. I love the desert. I love water. I love the wind. I love lady bugs and snakes and frogs and lizards, and potato bugs. I love my cat and dogs. I love being alive!!!

So it's been a long time since I posted anything! I don't really have much to put on here, since not much is going on. My birthday was on the 24th. My family and I were taking our family vacation last week, so for my birthday we went to Bear Lake, and to Lava HOT Springs. We had fun, though with driving to the lake and then the springs we were all exhausted! So we ended up doing my cake and presents the next day. I have to admit I felt really bad about my parents getting me presents, especially when they spent so much on the vacation. I kind of feel once you reach a certain age presents aren't really a big deal, and people shouldn't worry about getting them. But I am grateful for the presents I got though. Melissa got me a temple bag, which I've needed! :) And my parents got me a movie, a book on this clay art (I can't remember what exactly it's called), a gift card to Barnes and Noble, a papya (one of my favorite fruits, so my mom got it for fun), and they got me a gift certificate to get a massage!! I've had really bad headaches and neck aches, so they did that for me! It is awesome of them!!
Anyway I had previously posted that my cousin and I were going on walks in the morning, we haven't been doing that- I need to start that with her again! My friend and I are going to work out after I get off of work too, so I think if I do all of that, and stick with it, It'll help me not only to get physically healthier, but emotionally and mentally better- I'll feel more positive.
Oh and My cousin's birthday is today!! She is the one I'm going to walk with in the mornings. I need to call her and wish her a happy birthday!
My friend and I are doing this letter story- where we choose a character to be, and write letters to each other as those characters. She is Star, an undercover Fairy, and I am Olivia (Olive for short) a chocolatier witch!
Anyway this is Jessica the "olive", signing off! :)

Walking

So my cousin Evelyn and I have decided that we are going to go walking together every morning at about 8- my cousin lives in Montana, so walking with her every morning may seem impossible at first, but we've figured out how to! :) We are going to call each other at 8, and just talk while we walk. This way we can help motivate one another to keep up with our goals.
I walked the dogs this morning, separately of course, so that they could get a work out too, because they don't really get any other exercise throughout the day. Melissa was mad at me, because whichever dog was left behind was upset that they were left behind, so they made a lot of noise. Melissa hates mornings and has threatened to kill me if I take them on a walk again. I think I'll risk it. I will just need to remember to take little poop baggies with me, because Abbey can't hold it for very long. :p
I think walking will be a big benefit to me though, not just physically, but emotionally and even spiritually...I really need some help in those areas right now. I am determined to keep this up though, I refuse to let sleep and laziness rule me any longer!! :)

Freedom of Religion

So I've been thinking about some things I've read. I just read a post from my Uncle Cory about freedom of religion, and I've been reading some articles by Walter Williams. It made me think about religion, how our Society is changing, especially in their views towards God- such as the Pledge of Allegiance- when it says, "In God we trust." People want to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance. But that is another group thinking that they get to control the whole outcome. Why should people who don't believe in God get to change something created, and honored, by people who do believe in God? The fact that they believe everyone should live and talk how they live and talk is wrong. If they don't believe in God they don't have to say that line, or even say the Pledge of Allegiance for that matter. One person, or even group of people, shouldn't have the right to take away someone else's belief; they shouldn't have the right to change it. For instance let's say there is a large group of people, and they are having a picnic- they decide to cook all these different foods, and one of the foods has raisins in it, but some of the people there don't like raisins, but everyone else does. If the people who don't like raisins say, "Since we don't like raisins, you need to get rid of that dish, or not make it with raisins at all, so that we won't be offended.", that is rather selfish and controlling. Why should everyone else give up what they like, for a small group of other people? Even if it were the other way around, and the larger portion of people didn't like raisins, and the smaller group loved them, it doesn't mean they have to give up their dish. There is plenty of other food to eat, and if they want the dish, but without the raisins, they can pick them out! You don't have to force everyone else to conform to your standards to live a happy and peacfull life- to be offended that others are living their own lives according to standards you don't like is foolish- you can dislike their standards, and beliefs, but that doesn't mean they have to change to satisfy you. Live as you believe you should live, and treat others as you would wish to be treated. The Pledge of Allegiance should stay as it is, others shouldn't force everyone else to say it their way; force isn't being used on them, so why should it be used on those who do believe in God? To satisfy one group of people another group should not have to change and give up what is important and sacred to them. The only time offense is truly justified is when force is involved, and freedom is denied- if someone isn't being forced to do or say something, they don't need to be offended, they can freely live their own way, as long as it does not deny somone else the opportunity to do the same.

I've got a great friend!

Well letting a couple of days pass has helped me not feel so eeyoreish. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she mentioned how we tend to feel similar at the same time, so when I'm down she's down. She said at first she hated that, because she wanted to be able to help me when I was upset, but as we were talking yesterday about our insecurities and everything, she said that we should try to help others when we're feeling low; that focusing on others may help us. And when we're feeling low, we can pretty much know that the other one is feeling similar, so we can call the other up and say, "Hey let's go do something!" I hope it works- I know when I feel low I draw more into myself, and don't talk about things as much with others. Anyway I've got to get back to work! :)

Taking an Eeyore Moment

Okay so I need to complain a little, and since no one really comes on here I'm going to complain without feeling too worried about annoying other people. Today I had a singles activity, and it was kind of fun, but it always amazes me how I can feel so lonely among so many people. I feel so invisible. It's not that I want to be the center of attention, I actually hate moments, like birthdays, when I am the center of attention- it always makes me squirm. But the feeling of being invisible, and unimportant isn't a nice feeling either. To feel as if never existing in these peoples lives wouldn't make a difference to them, is very sad, and even sadder is knowing that it's my fault that it is this way. I don't know how to open up to them. One of my friends introduced me to another friend of hers, who I'd seen at other activities, but I didn't know him. When she introduced me to him I felt like running away, because trying to think of what to say and how to act always stresses me out. Knowing how to be involved in relationships of any kind has never been a strong point for me. I am truly terrified of people, of what they think of me. You know I could handle someone hitting me more than I could handle them hating me, or telling me I'm stupid or that I'm unimportant. To me words hurt far more than the physical things. My thoughts of myself have done very little good, and in fact almost always cause me some kind of pain. I don't know how to think well of myself, so how can I expect others to?? And how can I be visible to others when I am always trying to hide? I panic sometimes being around people, I try to hide it, but I probably look like some maniac! So I ended up leaving early, well not really early, but before they finished the movie (that was part of the activity). I went home, and felt like I couldn't even go in there, I didn't want to face everyone and try to smile, and tell them that I had a great time, when I really had a lousy time, again my own fault. So I left the house under the pretense of returning a movie, and I went to Wal-Mart, the store I hate, but always seem to go to, and I bought junk food, and movies. I bought a can of whipped cream, one of my favorite kinds of junk food, and some other things. Afterwords I felt slightly better, kind of relieved, but it never really makes me feel completely better. I have a problem, well I actually have quite a few problems. :) I don't know how to be comfortable with myself; don't know how deal with people, especially guys, they terrify me the most; and I've begun to revert to shopping and junk food to make me feel better, those are just a few of my problems. I really want to cry. I feel that my life is far from where I'd like it to be, and I am at a loss as to how to get it there. Anyway I don't know why I even write this on here- there is no one really there to read this, and if there were I think I'd be embarressed to have them read this. Blah!

Practically Perfect in Every way...except with that, and that and that.....

I realized something the other day. Well it began last Friday I was with my sister Melissa and my parents, we had gone out to eat. My parents were talking about Melissa and I being perfectionists. I never really saw myself as one- I knew Melissa was one- I've always felt rather that I was a procrastinator, though Melissa is one too. ;) But they said that we are such perfectionists that we get afraid of messing up, so we think, "If I can't do it perfectly I won't do it at all.", to avoid failing. Of course this isn't the healthiest way of thinking, but it hit me that is how I feel! The whole phrase, "Just do your best, always has meant to me that if you know you should or shouldn't do something, than you have no excuse for not doing it, or doing it. I hope that made sense. So when I mess up I feel horrible, because I know that I should have done it differently. I know I know it, even before I do it, yet I do it anyway. So I spend my time beating myself up, thinking I didn't do my best. Well my parents said that instead of looking at it as "Do your best", which I've subconsciously interpreted as being perfect, I should instead look at it as getting back up when I make a mistake, to not give up on myself or the situation. So I was thinking about all of this the other day and I realized that even when we know better that is not that same as knowing how to do what we know. For instance, You may have a recipe, you can read the instructions, and know that you've got to cook the food, but trying to follow the recipe accurately and to get the meal "perfect", is something that takes skill- which you can only obtain through practice; requirements for practice are: time, patience, effort, and being willing to make mistakes. Some recipes will be easier for us than others; so we shouldn't expect all of them to be easy, or all of them to be difficult. Life is this way, and we've just got to try and accept that mistakes will come- the "doing our best", isn't perfection, it's perseverance, it's patience, it's not giving up, no matter how many times it takes us to get it right. Even professionals mess up what they are good at- so not being experts at life, no matter how long we may have lived, means we're going to fall, and we should look forward to the getting back up, because we can.

Everything's better with butter

Okay, so I don't really believe that everything is better with butter, I just felt like saying that. I am feeling better though. I mean I don't have an, I AM HEALED, kind of feeling, but I feel good. The past week and a half or so has been a bit difficult, but I'm on the rise again. :) Really what has helped me feel a bit better is that I taught a lesson tonight, I am a Branch Missionary, and planning and teaching with my Companion often helps me to put things into perspective. My companion is really amazing- she's helped me out in so many ways; she has this quiet strength, and amazing love for everyone, and an awesome sense of humor! So she knows how to help give me support, and to feel important and make me laugh, and help me to see things in a more positive way; she is a very dear friend. Also the sister we have been teaching is amazing, every time I talk to her I feel like she teaches me- and it's not in a lecture kind of way, she just shares the things she's going through and what she's learned- she also is hilarious, and helps to brighten my day when I talk to her. We're supposed to teach her, yet she seems to always "turn on the light" for me, so I can understand things a little better. Anyway after going over and teaching her I feel renewed. Part of that comes also from the fact that I'm not thinking of myself when I go to teach- Service really is a way to forget yourself and to heal - the Lord does help you heal while you're focused on someone else. I thought I should write this post, so that my last post wouldn't be this sad depressing one. :D I just feel like I've been given more strength to face my trials, which haven't gone away, but don't seem so overwhelming.

So I've been feeling kind of lonely- even when I'm around people I feel separate. I don't want to be a downer, but it kind of stinks feeling like this. And with other things going on, which are a bit difficult, it doesn't get any easier. :( But in my previous post I talked about working on learning; I think one of the things I need to learn is how to be more social, and not be so withdrawn. I just don't know where to start. Hmmmmm........

Learning

I want to learn, I love it- at times it gets pretty stressful- but for the most part it's amazing! I love the moment when, after struggling to understand something, the light comes on, everything falls into place, and I know. I love the feeling of moving forward, growing, and gaining more knowledge, it helps me feel alive.
I've not been able to go to school the last two semesters- well this last fall semester I needed a break, like I said it can be stressful at times. Then this Spring I couldn't afford to go. So it's been awhile since I was going to school, and I've been feeling pretty low, feeling like I've just been stagnant, and not moving forward at all, and when I feel like this I feel stupid. I hate this feeling, of just drifting, and not doing anything, because then I start to forget the things I do know, which I'm afraid isn't much, even though I love to learn. So until I can get back into school- which I'm hoping will be this fall, fingers crossed- I'm going to try to study things on my own, which is sometimes a little difficult, but I'm gonna do it, I need to, because I can't stand feeling like this. It's driving me crazy!

Deleated Words

How simple it is to hit the "delete" button, and then the old text or e-mail is gone. I've always wondered though what happens to what we delete. It was there one moment, and then gone the next. I have a hard time imagining those words to be completely gone though, to no longer exist. I mean when we throw out the trash and it's taken away, it doesn't actually disappear, it's in a dump. Do our deleted words then go to a virtual dump? Wouldn't that be interesting to go to such a place and see peoples words scattered in a field, piled on top of each other. I wonder how this virtual dump would be organized; alphabetically, by theme, maybe by date? I like to think it would be by theme. Perhaps all the love messages would be stacked up together, and the angry ones in a pile, and all the confusing, and misspelled words would be in another. Do you think people would go through them to create their own love letter, or hate-grams? Hmmm...a used love poem, that would be interesting. :) Anyway I digress from where I actually wanted to go with this. I wanted to think about what happens to our words, or rather, what happens because of our words, whether they were typed and sent to someone or spoken face to face. We think that it is rather easy to say something and delete it, but it's not. Whether there is an actual dump site for our words or not, I believe they never really go away. When you tell somone that you love them, they cherish that, they remember it; those words help build them up. Likewise when you say something horrible to someone, they remember it, but it tears them down. Even when the exact words are forgotten the meaning isn't. We may think that we can delete something and forget it and move on, but I don't think it's ever that simple. Even when we say we're sorry, it doesn't instantly erase the words we've said previously. We should be more careful with what we say- words are very powerful. It has been words that have inspired people to do great things; it has been words that have caused people to fall in and out of love; words that make us laugh and cry, to fight or to create peace; it's words that make us think and decided who we will vote for; words that give us direction, and knowledge; it is through The Word that our world and all of us were created. We should be careful with our words, because what our words create cannot easily be deleted.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Doesn't it drive you crazy when someone knows you almost better than you know yourself?? Well today I was talking to my sister, Melissa, about this guy I liked, I had said that I was over him- I thought I was, truly I did! When I liked him, or rather when I had acknowledged that I did, I found out that he was dating someone, so I told myself I would forget him, and I think for the most part I did. I believed I was over him. Well fast-forward to today, where I was talking to Melissa, as I said above, and I told her that I was good at lying to myself, and she looked at me and said, "You still like him don't you?" I was flabbergasted! I didn't think she would know what I was even going to be talking about, but she did. Then she said that she didn't believe me when I had said I was over this guy, and I was all, "well I believed me." humph...I wish I wasn't so good at lying to myself, it's not very good for my health. :P So I'm frustrated with myself for liking this guy, who I now don't know for certain if he is dating anyone, and even if he weren't I don't know if he'd be interested in me. And I am also frustrated since I posted this thing on my facebook, about being okay with being single! I wasn't saying that I wanted to stay single, but rather was saying that as long as I was single, I'd be okay. But I think that it came across as me saying that I wasn't interested in dating! Why do I do this to myself? Anyway I just thought I'd take a moment to complain about my non-existent love life! :)

CRASH!

I hate crashes, there is nothing about a crash that is good. Anytime the word "crash" is involved in a conversation it means something bad happened. Well today my sister informed me that our computer crashed. To restart the computer my brother had to do a full system recovery, or something like that- kind of like an enema, or a colon cleanse, for a computer I imagine. This means that everything will be wiped off the hard drive!! So unless the computer did an auto-save before it crashed, everything is gone! I am a bit upset, but I guess I have to accept it. I'll have to start over with my cousins wedding photo's, I'll have to try to remember things I wrote and saved on there, to re-write them, which with my memory is unlikely! Maybe I need to start taking ginkgo-biloba, or whatever, to help me with my memory. Dahhhh!! I wish computers didn't crash; well I wish crashes didn't happen of any kind! But I suppose I can only move forward and be more wise when I write and save things on a computer. I think I will be going out later today and buying a lot of memory sticks, and what not. 'As God as my witness, I will never lose another thing in a computer crash again!' :p

Answered prayer

There is a friend of mine who was facing some trials, and was struggling with trusting the Lord. I wanted to say something that would comfort her, and help her, but I didn't know what to say. So I prayed to find the words, and I then started to write her a note, and the words began to come, sometimes they were slow, but they came. I wanted to post what I sent her, because the words were important for me, not just because I wanted to help her, but because it was a reminder to me too, for those moments life gets tough for me. I did lose the first half of the message, so that part will basically be from memory. So here goes:
'I wanted you first to know that I love you. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I know you're struggling, and it's important to you, what you feel matters, and I do not in any way want to deny that. I believe though that we are all called to go through some suffering in life, and feel a small part of what the Lord felt. And as painful and difficult as our trials are, we cannot lessen what the Lord went through, for us. He loves you, and suffered for you, that is someone worth trusting. And the Lord would not be so unkind or so' "foolish as to have gone through all he went through for you and me, only to leave you now, or to become careless with your life. You are not bad for feeling as you do, I've felt that way before. I ask that you not give up on him yet. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, even tell him that you are angry or upset, tell him you are having a hard time trusting him, but whatever you do, do not give up on him. He is there, you just need to give yourself a little time to notice him. As I said before, I love you and the Lord loves you."
Like I said I wanted to post this so that I could remember it for myself. I had been so worried that I may have upset her when I sent it to her, but she told me later that it had helped her. It gave me comfort to know that the Lord had helped both of us in that moment. He knew what would help her, and gave me the words we both needed to hear. It gave me some hope that I am not a complete flop in trying to hear him, and help others, and it strengthened my testimony that the Lord does hear and answer prayers.

Making Choices....

I am not a very good decision maker, whenever my family or friends are trying to decide where to eat or an activity to do, I most often say, "whatever you guys want", because choices are rather stressful for me; dealing with figuring out all the options, then trying to figure out what I want out of those options, and then not wanting to annoy others with my choices- we all have to agree for the most part- makes me stressed! So if little decisions like what to eat stress me out, think of how stressful it is to make bigger decisions! Like where to move to, where to work, and what I want to be when I "grow up"! I've been pretty stressed trying to figure these things out, but I spoke with my Branch President, and we kind of broke things down. Talking to him helped, but I realized something about myself, with my difficulty of making choices. Because I've spent most of my life saying, "whatever you want" I don't really always know what I want. I am having a hard time knowing myself, knowing my own opinion. It kind of stinks! I am realizing why it's so important to help children know their own thoughts, why they need to be able to make choices, suitable for their age of course, because if parents are always making the choices for them, and not giving them enough opportunity to speak, then they begin to think their thoughts and opinions are wrong, and that others should make choices for them. If they don't have that opportunity while they are young, then it's going to be a heck of a lot harder for them to learn how to when they are older!
Choice is essential in life, we all need it, our choices make up part of our identity. We sometimes want what is best for others, that we make them, or at least try to make them, do what is right. We'll do whatever we can to make sure our dear ones are on the right track; we'll try to intimidate them by useing our authority, or we'll try to guilttrip them, we'll threaten them, and try to scare them, whatever it takes to do what is right. But no matter our good intentions, this isn't right, it denies them the opportunity to gain a sense of self, it denies them the right to choose, and understand for themselves right from wrong. Now don't get me wrong, little children need boundries, they need guidance, and rules, but that can be done while still helping them make their own choices.
Anyway I've gone off rambling about parenting advice when I'm not even a parent! :) Just speaking from experience- as one who is struggling to learn to make her own choices.

It's been awhile since I posted on here, though I don't really have anyone to write to. In fact I feel a bit odd writing on here basically to myself, I guess that's why I stopped after just two postings, but it's all good. I had been reading nienie's blog today and she really is an inspiration. I don't even know her, but her story has affected my life. In one of her posts- it was the February 16th one, she said, "Everyone has a story and it is being guided (if we let it) by our Heavenly Father." That stood out to me, because the past little while has been teaching me that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and unless we choose to not accept that plan, it will happen, nothing will stop His plan for us from happening. I also think that everyone wants to feel important, but it's easy to not feel so, especially when we are always comparing ourselves to others, and seeing how great everyone else seems to be. In Nienie's simple statement, that everyone has a story, it brings a feeling of importance, and the fact is everyone is. We all have something to say and do, we all have our own experiences, and know things, which are important, that can be of assistance to others. We should not live our lives comparing ourselves to others, but we should live reaching for our own personal best, try to help others in any way we are able to, and expect no more or less of ourselves. This is something I admit I find rather hard to do. I've been trying for a very long time to gain confidence in myself, and to simply enjoy life. I realized a few weeks ago, as I was studying the scriptures about confidence, that having confidence in ourselves has a great deal to do with having confidence in the Lord, and having charity for others. I realized that in not trusting myself I was doubting God, I wasn't putting my full faith and trust in Him, I was saying He had failed in me- but God can't fail, He never has and never will. I realized also that in not really liking myself I couldn't love others, because my thoughts were spent focusing on myself; how foolish I was, how I could have done this or that better, or that this person must think I'm so stupid...etc. I would forget to think of what others needed, I would forget to think that the people around me might be struggeling and need someone to love them, to help them. So I'm working on my thoughts, and what I focus on- I'm trying to trust God's infinite, and perfect judgment -His perfect and clear view of all things, which is better than my finite understanding, and picture of life. So Alecto is back! :) I'm going to do better at clearing my mind of negative thoughts, and seeing what God sees, not just in myself, but in others, and in life. Things might not go exactly as planned, but I can solve any problems I'm faced with, as long as I turn to the Lord, I can be happy with who I am, and I can look forward to the future, we all can.